Dec 11, 2010


This is what my last birthday consisted of: Love, Friends, and those who have been lost in the process of life.

"It's MY birthday!!!...I can do whatever I want."   ...

These emotions go through everyone, but who actually takes the time to take a second to thank those who gave them life.? 

What about the mother who carried you for 9 months and lived through hours of the delivering process..(why anyone wants to deliver a part of them in to this world , I still wonder) ...? 

What about your parents who put up with each other long enough to conceive you?

What about the father who gave you encouragement at every ballet practice and dance recital?

What about the parents who gave you a shelter, clothes, love, and support for all of your years?

What about your brother who took you outback, into 'your secret hiding fort', when your dad was assaulting your mom.

What about your sister who talked to you about your parent's affair,' rationally', because she had one of her

What about finding the love of your life who understands what you have been through.

What about sharing the past and growing a healthy future together.

I'd like to thank all who have played a magnificent part in my life. It is who YOU are that has made me who I am today.


Aug 20, 2010

That's the beauty in secrecy...

it doesn't exist.
"...and heart ships un-numbered..." 

U still HAVE to watch this movie, Snorkel. ...With me!
 This, what I felt would only be a near mind escape,  book about love lust and... lost (    ;)    ) has turned into reality!?... not exactly my reality, but reality unjust.

Another "fary tale" ...

"Seth's feels like home. Seth feels like home."

"...things that made her feel real, black and white prints of photos from an exhibit in Pittsburgh."

" shot of the railroad... a train passing by-still made her smile."

"...even if she saw it through the lens, they never showed up on the film. Yet, she enjoyed the process of taking the photos enough that she was glad she'd tried the experiment." 
"Focus. Control."

Aug 18, 2010

Anything And Everything

"I didn't lie to you."

~"You didn't tell me the truth, either."    

No longer will I live through untrusted actions. It will never bring peace upon no body. Truth is the answer. Love is the cause. Life is the purpose.

OMG!...Amazing shot.

Snorkel, you are going to do amazing things with your life; I hope I will always be a part f it!
Thank You!. let's do this more often.
It's not up to us whether you survive this life you have been given...It's up to yourself.

Aug 13, 2010

1:07 am

I watched a simple shooting star dive into the deep blue sky... make a wish. Then moments later, ironically, I looked back up into the sky...and there it was; the star Snorkel told me about the night he arrived in the middle of nowhere!!! The largest shooting star I have ever witnessed; even in Alaska. It was bigger than seeing an airplane land in the same bright it lit up the entire sky. It left a trail behind as if a jet would, but flew through the sky in such a rapid speed I'm shocked that I was able to catch such beauty. 

"...I was just waiting to watch it land!"

...So was I.

Aug 12, 2010 is horrible

Yes...long distance relationships are hard

Yes...fighting for college classes is most difficult

...Yet, feeling like I may be letting my parents down is most painful.. I know they will always be there for me, but the way they have been treating me feels like I have been letting them down. They have pushed and have been very supportive, so now it's my turn to show them their hard work has paid off.  

Let the fear leave my monkey mind and just live. It's that simple. mind over matter!
I have been in and out of the hospital for the past few months due to stomach pains, dizziness, and tingling... with all the tests ran, after the nexium, he prescibed xanax!  I didn't want to try it; I'm tired of being their ginnie pig. But after my last episode this week I think I may try it. Before this last Tuesday I had no idea what was going on with my body...but now I think it's safe to say they are panic attacks.
I'm too young to be panicking!!!

This last episode was this week. I took Snorkel to the airport. When we got into LA he was directing me  where to go. The music was a little too loud and I missed his guide to get over to the right. I missed it and while I tried to merge cars started to fly by me. Ah! Then I suddenly noticed cars were surrounding me in every direction in stop and go traffic. I'm not a city driver... How the fuck am I gonna pull this off?  My stomach started to hurt. So I got off as quickly as i could and made him drive. When I stepped out of the car to switch positions my whole body started to tingle, I was so dizzy I didn't want to walk and my left arm felt so heavy that I couldn't move it. ...All the same feelings I get before I go into work, but never has it been so intense!!!
    This is how I feel right now.

Aug 7, 2010

Flick Your Cigarette and Kiss Me

He is fascinated by my cigarettes. If he's not off prancing on my falling ash, he follows and tries to catch the smoke dancing against the wind. 

Shere Khan...

My newest addition!...  Just another soul...another obligation to take care of, which I had zero desire for. Well, rationally, it's not up to me whether he succeeds through life or if he is  just passing through's up to him.
...I will no longer attach myself to anyone or anything.

Jun 23, 2010

It has almost been one year and I already need it touched up!!!
"Share the sunset with me."


Jun 16, 2010

I'm seeing stars within every left corner.
I remember going from 110 lbs at the age of 12 to 98 lbs at the age of 14.

Then I went from 98 to 120 till I was 18...  18+ I stayed a solid 115 lbs.

Now I'm down to 95 at the age of 21. 

~I lost 10 lbs in three days...
So much pain, I'm literally dying inside. The food that I can consume I can't keep down. 

I hate IVs.

Jun 15, 2010

This is how I feel right now.

Jun 14, 2010

Wisdom Teeth removed this morning. Going under was the most intense feeling I have ever experienced. Before the surgeon had time to tell me to start counting 10-1 I had already passed. I was told the average count was people made it to is 6.  Then I had to learn to walk again...couldn't, I was wheel chaired out to my car. lol.

Slept all day. Hopefully Ill sleep through the night. I'm scared to take any sleeping pills because the surgeon already has me on four different pills that are to be taken like clockwork.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow...OUCH!!!

Jun 12, 2010

OK, so now what!!!!?

The lighthearted New Moon activates your 7th House of Partners today, continuing to hold the spotlight on relationships. However, something seems different now that you are more willing to ask for what you want. Nevertheless, keep in mind that the quantity of words spoken is less important than the quality of what you say, so choose carefully. Express yourself as simply as you can and don't hesitate to begin again from the top if you get off to a bad start.

Jun 11, 2010

I didn't appreciate this picture at first...I did not know how to appreciate what I had or did not have then.

I've fallen in love with this picture on so many levels.

One being a quote from a potential loved one. ...   
"You're here one moment then you're lost in a day dream. There always seems to be something on your mind." 

~with that statementt I thought about this picture; dejavu!!!
I responded with, "yes, there is always someone on my mind and you know who that someone is." 

"OK, I've been there. I have experienced that. I will help you get through it or help you to achieve that dream." 


seriously!?!?...Oblivious. Yet, beautiful.
"I miss you."

I keep receiving these messages and wonder, why?.  Why can you tell me you miss me without showing me? 

And then I thought about it...OMG, I've been sending this same message to Him. I always thought it truly meant something till now.

He's taught me so much about life, some what in disguise...maybe because I've chosen not to listen; until now. I truly do miss what we had and I hope, still to this day, for more adventures to come. I've never felt so lost without him. He makes me feel complete...Well, until he is accomplishing something and then I'm pushed aside. This feeling is so difficult to understand.  At one moment I appreciate everything he is and what he is doing and then the next I feel left out; second rate; pushed aside-for the night or just for the summer. Either way, this is the most tough feeling to try to handle rationally by far.

Jun 9, 2010

I know it's silly...

I have a lot to learn and live through to experience what most are already trying to tell me. But if you know me, well  then you already know that I do not listen very well. I would rather live and experience through my own mistakes and happenings than avoid them and never experience them at all. 

I'd rather be in a monogamous relationship, filled with love trust and accomplishing something together, and know that it may or may not end in a few years, rather than in a 'partnership relationship' that keeps me guessing every night towards everyday; will he be home tonight? what are his plans for tomorrow? who will he bring home next? 

These questions only exist in a sane mind, right!? Especially if you're in love and give your entire world up for this one special soul. 

You're not trying to make it about sex, but they are...they aren't there for the pictures... and you continue to let them. ~well, most of them~

Jun 6, 2010

Hell's Kitchen

My day started out with dropping a salt container. I've never been superstitious, but as my day unraveled I may have just changed my view. I waited on a party of seven...only put six orders through! FUCK!!! Court 'reasured me'.

"It will be OK, Brian has threatened to  fire Justin,too."
~Yeah, that makes me feel better!!! 'my boss' & Sous Chef kinda made me feel better, but I won't feel better until Brian starts to talk to me again.

It was incredibly slow, but I was sent home early when 'my boss' was supposed to be the first one off.

I have been officially shunned.

Jun 2, 2010

R.I.P Jinx

                                                                     He's been gone for over a month now. I guess it's time to let go.  

My horoscopes are only becoming more surreal with time...                                                                                                                                                                                      You may feel as if you are lost in a dream today and don't know how to find your way back to reality. Fortunately, it's not necessarily a difficult situation because you can have a unique experience once you let go of control and enjoy it. Give yourself permission to have an amazing adventure, just like Alice in Wonderland. Don't worry; you'll be back in time to meet your obligations with a fantastic tale to tell.

You aren't interested now in undertaking a major project by yourself. Fortunately, your life is full of capable and well-educated people, so you expect it to be easy to find someone willing to work with you. Don't give up in your search for a business or personal partner now, even if everyone seems too busy or scattered. Accepting less than you want may seem wise, but it's even better to wait for the right person.

May 29, 2010

I'm longing for company...But recognizing I'm better off without it. 

This past month has been full of sleepless nights. Learning to sleep alone has to be the most difficult challenge of life. I'm in bed by nine every night just laying; dwelling on my alarm going off which only leads to work!.....? The minutes of sleep that I am blessed with are full of nightmares.  

I don't want to fall asleep tonight.

I miss you.

May 26, 2010

Besides the early cumulus clouds that have been rolling in every afternoon, the fire ruined my tanning session at the grotto. Bi-Polar and I hiked down far enough to avoid having to have tan lines. We were only able to stay for about 20min. ! The smoke started to engulf the canyon and ashes fell like raindrops. We hiked up, but couldn't tell where the fire was located,  so we drove out to the point. The tiny road that leads out there was covered with cars like tiny ants on a piece of fruit. I was the only one out there with a camera. A little fire had started on the corner of Batista and Fareview. I listened to the radio scanner that one guy had; he had been communicating with a firefighter that was stationed out there. I have to question his place and information that he had been receiving..He wasn't in uniform!?... of now.

May 24, 2010

You're Not My Friend

You're not my God
And you are not my friend
You are not the one who I will walk with in the end
You're not the truth, you're a temporary shot
You ruin people's lives and you don't give a second thought
Little white lies on my mirror...found neatly in a row
Medicine that kept me from looking into my soul  
The only true feelings were  trust
A little sure felt good
But a lot was not enough 
I thought you were the answer
To all of my despair
And you almost had me six feet down
But I'm still breathing air
From the cradle to the grave
Temptations all around
But no matter how good the's going to take you down
Now, some call you my weakness...some call it a sin
But it's all the same behind each game
I see your evil grin
You're not my friend.

May 20, 2010

Because I can!

May 19, 2010

Eikoh Hosoe

Things aren't always what they seem. This beautiful mind captured incredible moments.

Why? How?...Beautiful.
He was incredibly amazing throughout the whole experience!!! When he got off from work, the first thing he did was give me a massage then drew a bath...with candles!!! I love him.

~ Except for the fact that he is always on his phone...
Ironically, I had increased my coverage on my car only days before the accident!...Luckily, I got away clean. Well... legally, not physically! Three broken ribs, gash on my chin and my face mashed up from the airbag. And I went back to work the next day!!! Give me some credit!?! 

Yeah, that is part of a tree weaved through my fender!
One year ago,today, I ruined my entire life. The day started out fine. I then found myself frustrated with following him around his house, all afternoon. First, he sat on his computer and then went upstairs to play the piano. I honestly think I fell in love with him when I first saw him play; the smile that falls upon his face, the way his eyes close and the rest of his body becomes enveloped with the music, the way his fingers dance across the keyboard. I was enjoying his harmony until he abruptly stopped. He went outside to water his garden. I followed. Still, no words were spoken. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say...I didn't know what was bothering him!
~We had gone out for a hike before all of this. Of coarse he brought his camera, but I never considered myself the model. With not knowing what he was trying to accomplish on this hike, he 'got nothing'.  He never communicated very well; in fear of what I would think about his work?...It would have been better than leaving me in the dark for all of those months. He recently  looked back on the pics that he did capture that day. "...that's in comparison to what Weston captured." So something was accomplished, in disguise, with something ruined in the same day. ~

I left to pick up some of his favorite food, and when i returned he had already left. The only response  I received was find me. WTF!? Ash called me moments later. We decided to go to a friends house. She said, "take a shot, forget about him!" -OK.  Shot after shot after shot; all i wanted,still, was to see him! They let me drive?...Next day in hell!!!
Where did you go?...the guy I fell in love with. The guy I met, unexpected; who took me away from all of my problems. You were someone I could come to with anything. You showed me the light when all I saw was darkness. Even in the middle of the night, you were there for me; you were able to answer all of my questions, you made me feel better when I was depressed, you held my hand when I fell. (lol) You were there unconditionally...What happened?
In reference to your 'potentail girlfriend' have never looked that happy while playing  with me.

May 18, 2010

Wake me from this horrid dream!...Wait! I need to see more.

Have you ever woke up from a dream and wanted more?...but were never able to fall back into the same one! Well, my morning  dream was epic. I woke up, in terror; laying, drenched in my own sweat with my pillow soaked in my tears. I needed more. I wanted to find out what happened next. I dived  back into my pillow and for some reason was placed in  the same scene I had woken from!  

The emotions I felt and the places we were in were incredibly clear as if reality had set in; into my dream.

~ I was out on a local control road with him; shooting?... The reasoning to why we were out there was blurry, but I'd have to assume with our relationship's circumstances. We had been arguing and I decided to walk home.I ended up at a friend's house party, and with one phone call my stomach turned upside down and so did my entire world. I  went out onto the back porch to speak with a police officer who informed me that  he was ' longer with us, his Jeep had been taken to an impound'. In disbelief I literally ran to his house. He was nowhere to be found! I sat on his bed waiting for him to answer my phone calls. I fell asleep staring into all his beautiful photographs on his wall. I woke up, still in disbelief, I gathered up a couple of empty boxes that were left for me downstairs. The first thing I looked for was his cameras...they were nowhere to be found. So I started to pack away his computer.

First, I took the mouse and while I was wrapping it up Kenny peered his head through the crack in the door.
"Is it OK for me to come in". I looked up at him with no reply. His three girls followed. I fell to the floor with uncontrollable tears. The oldest of the three knelt beside and threw her arms around me. She told me, "I know.  I'm sorry for your loss. But it's all of ours, too. We are in this together!" Her big brown eyes looked up at me while she wiped away my tears. Eva then walked in. I stood up and greeted her with a hug. She told me if I ever needed anything they would be right here. They left and I continued to find things to wrap up. I looked around and noticed that most things were already in a box. Questions, along with tears,  started to flood from within; Where will I be putting this stuff? Why am I the one  to be taking away his things? Why am I taking anything in the first place-He will be back!  Even while beginning to pack up his belongings, I knew somewhere in the back of my head that he would return. I lay back down onto his bed and cried myself to sleep. 

Days later I woke up to the sun shinning through that beautiful window. I rolled over and put my arm around...his pillow!? He had not returned.Salty tears drained uncontrollably as I stepped out of bed, directly to the floor. His bed frame had been taken out but his mattress was still there. I then flashed on his new boss telling me I could stay there as long as I needed to. This pain is too much! I need him back, where are you? why did you leave me in this world? I hadn't taken out a single box, nor had I seen anyone remove anything. Why are most valuables gone? I got dressed and looked around the room; scanning his walls. Besides his other work  the movie posters were no longer there, in place of were recent pictures that he had taken; from his first real model, his friend's wedding to the dance concert. I rushed down stairs in hope to see him on the porch with coffee and a cigarette. The door was still locked...he wasn't out there!

I went back upstairs to find Nay-nay's Dad and brother playing a ping-pong game that was placed where his turn tables were. I gave them a look like what the fuck!!! Most of his belongings were gone.

(This is where I woke up and demanded to be placed back into my dream...fell back to sleep.)

Nay-nay came in seconds later; she didn't say a word to me. His photographs caught her eye. She viewed every picture in  the room and then looked at me. "They are amazing!" she told me. I replied with,"I know." And, once again, I broke down in tears. She ran to me with  arms open.

Most of his things were gone, but his computer area was still intact...and that's what I started to pack up first!? ... Her mom walked in and broke our hug. "Sorry sweetie, but everyone is waiting for you."  waiting for what? I thought to myself.

I walked down stairs and saw that there were probably fifty or more  people  in the lobby. Is this his memorial service!? It has only been a few days!!!...we haven't even found his body yet. He could be anywhere; just because his car was totaled doesn't mean that he is! Make it stop! He will come back. I scanned the room for his mom...Nothing?  Everyone else seemed to believe that his body had been deceased. But I didn't, I refused to believe or participate in this "gathering of his honor". I brushed through the crowd, looking down, and rushed  outside to have a cigarette. I started to flash back on past times that we had shared together on that very porch; his first move in, the first snow storm we shared while curling up next to each other- just to get our nicotine craving fix, our first real fight, him telling me to get of his porch- from a shoot happening that went chaotic(which I don't like to think about),  feeding the wild coons and cats...the memories went on. {these memories I had in my dream  we  did experience together!...why did they show up in my if it was reality setting into play?}

I sat outside the memorial, by myself, wondering when will I wake up from this dream? Then, from the side of the building I heard weeping. I walked over and there she sat, right where his Jeep would normally be parked. His mom sat with her hands over her face. I didn't say a word, only sat beside her. She looked at me and said, "No, it can't be. I Don't believe it." I wrapped my arms around her and told her I felt the same way. I responded with, "He's out there somewhere, we just need to look hard enough. He'll be back."
She replied with, "If that's true, where did he go? Why cant we find him? Why does everyone seem to believe that he is gone forever?"
I couldn't respond...I had the same questions! We held each other for a while, until Ig asked me to come inside. His mom wouldn't move, so I told her I'd be back ASAP. She let me go and Ig took my hand and led me inside. I sat with my mom on the couch, still in disbelief. Tears streamed from my eyes as rivers from the mountains. People walked around and mingled; some cried more than others. Some sat in disbelief, but not as much I was. I knew he wasn't truly gone,but people still insisted that I start to let go. This only made me more angry and start to question my intuitiveness. Brian and Courtney had catered the and water were passed around. While my mom's arm stayed wrapped around me, Courtney came up to me. She placed her hands on my knees and said, with tears dropping from her eyes, "I'm sorry, love. I couldn't imagine losing the love of my life." She then glanced over to Brian. 

I couldn't bare the memorial service anymore. I ran up stairs to what was left of his room and sunk into his pillow.  I then woke to... my own bed; my house!? I jumped out of bed and ran out side only to find my Dad outside, watering the garden. I ran to my car. He yelled out to me, "Where are you going? What are you doing?" I jumped into my car, and drove towards his house. I felt that I had woken from a nightmare and needed to see him. I became closer and closer to his house...his Jeep wasn't there; only a shadow, below the marque, sat with a round coffee cup in hand and smoke that drifted from his cigarette.  I couldn't stop. Something told me to keep going. The road turned into a highway stretched across the desert plain. While driving, I was told to keep will find him in time, he needs you as much as you need him.

~I then woke up with  real heartache and pain that this dream had caused me. My day was left in depression; even though I knew it was just a dream, why was it so incredibly real!?!?

May 11, 2010


I just now came to  the realization of  still being emotionally attached to my old job... HIM!

May 8, 2010

I came home this morning to broken New Castle bottles all over my driveway...WTF!?

I keep wondering if this is at all related to a text I received last night, "You left your're not sleeping!" ; Stalker!?
I never said I was sleeping...My response was that I had to get up early and I wasn't going out. 

There was a new neighbor, running by, as I pulled into my driveway. He was kind of enough to introduce himself and help pick up the shattered glass.
''Who would do such a thing in this beautiful little town?"  I replied with, "Trust me, it isn't all that beautiful."

Thank you, and I was already stressing on being late for work!

May 6, 2010

Kiss; unexpected.

Once I got home I decided to take Mowgli for a walk; I consumed more than I'm used to... I walked up a hill I haven't been on in quite some while. I ended up reminiscing on an Native American ceremonial ground where I had shared my first entiment kiss. 

...Don't mind the hard shadow. lol!

May 5, 2010

It's sad enough that these animals are cooped up, do they really have to wear a tag pierced to them!?

May 4, 2010

After his newly renounced view on life...He asked, "What does 'avatar' mean, what is an avatar?"...Seriously!?!?. This was the first time I was able to educate him on something without him trying to dispute it!
My Dad has referenced Avatar with the Bible! LMFAO...well at least he's becoming more open minded. 

"If Adam did not eat the apple, would we still be running with the wild animals, would we still be naked; enjoying the PURITY that we became fortunate upon?"   "I think the human race could learn a lot from this movie. We take and take but when do we ever give back?"  

~Would we still be one with the earth?

His take on the movie took me by shock! He has always been a Bible Notzie and barely takes evolution into consideration. He also referenced the closeness of earth that  the Native Americans lived by; which the Europeans stole from them, and in part  turned them into money grieving thieves.

Some people live in this 'sacred world' of the bible, but I honestly doubt that they are truly reading into it! We are blessed with this human form to spread the word...The creatures who are  less fortunate to speak are here to portray it.

I can NOT believe a movie has spoken out to clearly!

The body can taste, smell and see. The body can hear and touch; whatever is near. But we are more than all these senses, combined. You are not the body. You are the soul beneath which lives on; forever. No matter where we may be or where you may be we are one and can always find each other in the path of life.
Have you ever felt chills in the dead of summer; when ice melts instantly against your skin and the breeze that brushes your face is hot and dry; when the sun doesn't shine, it only burns?

Have you ever experienced a robe of warmth drape over you, like fire to your legs while standing next to burning wood, in the middle of an ice storm? 

That is God.

OK...Still working on the focal points. lol!!!
My mom is more fun than any other 'model' I have taken out to shoot; and I didn't even take her out for that!. How do I make these other girls feel playful!?!?...I know; comfort,but...

I encouraged one of my best friends to model for me and she basically hid from the camera and after viewing the aftermath she replied with, "My butt is too big, I don't look good...I'm not hanging out with you if you keep taking pictures of me!"...Um, that's what we were doing today, right!?

It wasn't the pics...It was her own self-esteem. low!?
...And then there are some animals that should be left in their cage...Hahahaha!
There are some animals that should NOT be put into enclosed habitats!!!
Their main food supply is marijuana.
                                           Beautiful Hummingbirds surround the whole park.
Before work on Saturday, I went to The Living Desert with my family. I made it more productive than I thought...I was able to play with my camera and capture beautiful  pictures without  making the model wait till I figured out what I was doing; the models just kind of laid there. lol. Practice day; learned a lot!

May 3, 2010

Working on my focal points. lol! Surprisingly, I just learned many new things with this camera; along with manual focus. ...I'm used to working with the 50D, give me a break!?
I don't know how he does it every night! Just this last weekend kicked my ass. I enjoy the new responsibilities and cash flow, but not wanting to  do anything after work is kind of a bummer.
I'm going to sleep incredibly well tonight. 

Bed ASAP...Dad's birthday tomorrow...And only one more day with the grandparents!!!
Yeah! I'm sooo done with my life revolving around family plans: night and day.

Apr 30, 2010

Something I wrote five years ago!!!

'Everybody feels comfortable in their own skin. They are more likely to do; anything, if no one's around judging them. I feel that everyone should act as though no one's watching; no body's judging you. Do not worry about what others think. Act as you want and feel comfortable, people can't judge happiness. Do what makes you happy. Live the moment.'
~completely relates to what I have been dealing with in these past few months; Don't comment on my life with your negativity. Just because you watched me grow up, or had grown up with me doesn't mean that you know me now. The only response to my work I will respect is that of positivity from those I love. And if you love me, you will love what I do.

~Odd. I came across this while reminiscing through some old school projects, with my grandparents. This little saying I conjured up was for a book which consisted of sayings for photographs that I had taken. I had passed my history class...through photography!? Maybe I am supposed to pursue this more than I have been lately.



Stuck watching old family home movies...Listening to my grandmother sing show tunes...and trying to prepare dinner for all! ...And I don't even eat meat let alone know how to prepare it. Hope nobody gets sick. LMFAO

Kill me, now.

Another car crash on HWY 243

"My Boss" was on his way home last night from work and decided to take the more dangerous side of the mountain to get to the freeway. He lives somewhere in LA and commutes everyday! Usually I'm at work  and he asks me for my opinion depending on the weather...He drives hella fast and doesn't take the wet roads into consideration...Obviously! So he took the HWY to banning. about twenty miles down he slips out and crashes off the road. I got a phone call today asking if I was ready to serve...HELL YEAH!!! He's in the hospital with six broken ribs,a  broken leg and a punctured lung. Bad for him...but sooo good for me. I'm barely making my car payments, and now i have all these hours on top of  finally being able to serve!  Thank You Universe...Everything always seems to work itself out! Live in the moment; Be Happy; Love All.

Get well Justin, my prayers are with you.
"If He was human, the ego would have prevented His absolute attention given to others."  RB
'Money is only a commodity of exchange.."

" One day it's here: the next it's gone."
I need to get out of this town. one is ever there when i truly need them.

Apr 29, 2010

Researching for a private villa, with a yard, in the desert... Hot. I don't know what I'm doing now. LA seems to be the ideal dream for me: I've always wanted to live there, but now it's too far away to be alone. OK. I'm just being childish...I could make it alone if I wanted to; I could start stripping. LMFAO.
OK...So a little too much sun!? Now I have to find somewhere that I can tan nude. Fuck!

Apr 28, 2010

Finally ready for bed at a decent hour!

My day started with ignorance in Banning. I never thought using a credit card to pay for gas  would be so difficult for the cashier! She looked at my card as if it were a calculus quiz.  Then I went over to Starbucks for a delayed caffeine fix. The menu consisted of four different types of coffee drinks! Don't get me wrong, the more simple the coffee the better, but I did expect them to have the all fifty ridiculous styles of  'their spin' on Italian coffee. I wonder what happened to this chain. ?

Then, to kill time, I went to the hot springs for a much needed tanning session before the THREE HOUR Planned Parenting App. !?!? It was the most odd doctor's office I have ever been in. There was a glass guard between the receptionist and the patient and you had to speak to her through a two way phone that was hanging on the wall....Am I in jail!?

Then to the grocery store to get dinner for the family...Parent's 26th Anniversary. 


Apr 27, 2010

Grandparents all week.  


Trying to schedule some shoots.

Exhausted...And to top it off, Mom's more stressed than I've seen her in years. The thought of my in-laws coming to visit makes her sick to her stomach. It seems that no matter what I do to help her, whether it be cleaning the entire house or making all the family get together arrangements and dinners, it just doesn't help her emotionally...After 25 yrs of marriage it seems like she'd just get used to them!?
The next day, in hell... I went with Lub to take his son to a little league baseball practice. The coach never showed but some of the other children did, so we played along. I was helping one of the toddlers practice his stance with the bat, and without a ball in sight he swung!?...Fuck, right into my knee! Lub made sure I had ice on it all afternoon and today I'm walking with a limp. That child has an amazing arm! 
They always seem to be fighting about something. Grow the fuck up, you're ruining my night! 

I want her ass, the one on the right.
As I waited for some drunks to sober up and leave my couch, this guy that I had met a couple of weeks ago who wasn't invited either, asked if I minded that he stayed. Why?... He told me he didn't feel right leaving me alone with drunk dudes passed out in my house while I was home alone. Awh. That's one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me in a long time. We stayed up till seven in the morning, just talking and laughing about work, life and relationships. Ends up he was on my Dad's Hot Shot crew a year ago...Something in common. I've always despised that type of guy. He was different.  

Still don't remember his name!!! lol

After a long night at work on Friday, I came home to a car blasting trance..."Where have you been?" I got changed out of my work clothes, in between shots of vodka, and went out to celebrate Chez's birthday. These girls will be the end of me someday!

After some local bar scene action, I invited them back to my house...I pulled up to six other cars parked around my house!...WTF? I LOVE this town! HAH.  

Where's my man to regulate when I need him!?!?

Apr 23, 2010

Happy Birthday, Chez Roll!
I found him while shoveling snow off my drive way. I shall call him squishy...what do caterpillars eat?

Dental appointment this morning...I mean dental disappointment. I was told today I have to have my wisdom teeth removed ASAP, before they ruin the thousands of dollars my parents spent on braces!

Wine and food tasting at 3pm for our new menu...AGAIN. FUCK! I just had the old menu memorized!

Then I have the house to myself all weekend...Use your imagination!

Apr 22, 2010

There has always been something that drives me...knowing someone is watching or knowing that someone could walk through the door at any moment. Anyway, Kitchen sex is the best to it's fullest. It's the worst feeling to see him drive away; even if  you know you'll see the him later..FUCK WORK!!!...Mmmm. My legs are still shaking!


...setting the stage for the next act of  a reoccurring drama that possibly began in November of 2008.

I never used to pay that much attention to my horoscope till a few weeks ago. And they have lived out to  be  terrifyingly true.

Apr 21, 2010


Cut my wrist, I'll learn to die
I'll say a prayer and learn to fly
All I ask is to take me away from this place
Wrap my body in lavender lace
Send my ashes off to sea
     and let my body lay with thee
Even if it's my heartbeat that you'll seek
My spirit will always be
You'll find me in someone
    Even if it's in the rising sun
Just look hard enough and you will find 
    something that's greater than mine
We never leave, we are always here
Keep me in your dreams 
And I'll always be near
Even if you wish me away, I will lay there with you
When the sun falls upon your eyes...
Through that wonder of a window...I'll be gone
The absence of you is spoken in every love song
Sirens scream, as they reach my street
Those sirens will be for me...sooner than late 
My heart has been lost within fate
Every place. Every song.
     Every photograph haunts me...I can't go on
Life's left in ruins
Unless, to my heart, you'll find the key... 

Just let me rest in peace.
Jesus should move his birthday to the spring season. Then we could finally have a white Christmas. Come on, there are more than just Christians who celebrate that day. I even know some Jews, Muslims and Jehovah Witnesses who celebrate 'christmas'. ...God is everyone and everyone is God; no matter the form you percive him as.

He's been calling me a few days out of the week. Updating me on his broken arm. Almost every year he breaks something while snowboarding and I'm usually the one who takes care of him. Not this year! Well, I guess I am in some way; helping him through the pain, with words.

I don't remember Lub being there that night!
Hold it down, Chez Roll!


Time to bring out the uggs and snow jackets!

Sadly woke up this morning, and to snow? SERIOUSLY!? It's April, right? WTF happened to spring?
Jinx is the most odd cat I have ever owned. He loves to be out in the rain and snow! And if he's stuck inside, he just lays on the windowsill and's not a peaceful meow, it's more like a scream!