Dec 24, 2009
My night started out fine. Went to see my love, with a promise of meeting up after work. then I went home to some family friends with a bottle of wine to cheers my "happy 21st". Only enjoyed one glass...they like to drink. Soon after I got a text from a girl that I had met through my love(why do i get all 'my girls' from your collection...could make for some gooooood pics!. You game?)!?!...Am I just as consumable? Anyways, while I was waiting for him to get off. ....WORK! I drove to her house. My brother showed and soon after I hear another knock at the door. Who could it be, out of everyone, my drunken enemy passes through the door way. THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT! He decides he wants to talk, brings up our dog. FUCK YOU. I realize 1/4 into the conversation that he's already drunk. SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!!!! so everyone notices that I'm uncomfortable and they wont let me drive home so they make him leave.At one point I tried to encourage him to leave and a friend remarked on the way I was speaking towards him..."YOU TALK TO HIM LIKE HE'S A DOG!".LMFAO. I then snuck out the back and peeled out towards town. I waited by his door step,not long enough, obviously! by this time I look down at my phone and realize spending important time with my love was missed.
Dec 23, 2009
Last minute decisions are always the best decisions.We jumped in the car and drove East. The weather was uncalled for. It went like this...misty to rain to snow to rain then sun!?...still cold,though. I had an amazing experience. Things are changing, and for the better. Finally. Posing in the pics was fun, yet difficult. I don't have a clue to what I'm doing in them. I guess that's why he likes them. He captures who I am and how I'm feeling at the time, it's not necessarily about what I'm doing in them...Except the train shot! Damn you Mamia ;). Wish that shot was taken, but it was worth the adrenaline rush. The worst part of the trip was turning onto the road that led us home.
Dec 9, 2009
Dec 7, 2009
I’m alone, with twenty other people. The snow is falling at a rapid pace. The lakes are beautifully frozen, overseen in the heat of the day. The highest average temperature is at fifteen degrees. I tried snowboarding the other day and now I am sore, in my neck back and my right hip. The reason for the loneliness is my so called pheonce. I am stuck in this house with all his strange relatives that I can barely strike up a conversation with while he is out in the garage getting high. And I am in this house all alone, on this big red couch. Colorado, this is not how I pictured you!
I am alone in this big cold house. Everyone wears their sweaters and slippers everywhere. He makes no since…every time I walk into a room, he walks to another. And the sad part is that he does unintentionally. Deep down he doest really want to be with me. He likes the thought of us but not actually me for me. He loves me but he is no longer in love with me. I remember one time when we first started moving forward in our relationship. I want it to end but only because I think it will make him appreciate me more. I want him to see Me and listen to my voice instead of some other girl making a comment about the same thing I had just previously said,yet he chooses to listen to her over me. This wouldn’t bother me sooo much if we’ve been married for a few years but we have only been dating for a few years. Not even living together and he is treating me like this, but every time something is really upsetting I will try the whole break thing and it doesn’t work. It wont even last for a few minutes. He ends up crawling on his knees and begs for any type of forgiveness. I do see that he loves me but some where in all that emotion he seems distant most of the time. Like im just hanging there… I want to be #1!!!! But you cant always get exactly what you want. But I have, my whole life;things just seem to fall into place as I creep through it. Trying not to be noticed but still be there… in a state of now.Wow, contradicting! I want to be '#1' but to go unnoticed, I guess I only care for him to see me. I care for no other attention. "Be in the moment". Which is hard to because we have only been dating for a few years and we are each others first. What is that for anyone? Things cant last forever…and it really is too good to be true. He is very compassionate at times ,a good listener when he feels like it, and for now seems to be very……
I sit by myself , in a dark room, full of nothing. Nothing for yesterday, nothing for today, and nothing for tomorrow. He is the only one person place or thing on my mind. It stings. It did not at first, I thought the pain felt good. I thought it would make things better. Well, it did for my friends. I knew many people who did it for "personal pleasure". It does make some situations in life seem finale. But do all of them who try it want want an ending, or just some attention? I’ve thought about the idea, these past few months, and my conclusion is- yes. I could deal with an ending right now. I am young ,but really just meeting more people would put a damper on the ending of a life... it would make it seem so much more severe. But before I go, I would like to travel to Europe, experience college for a bit, purchase my dream camera, feel no pain from anybody (at all ! ) I really don't love life. Pitty to those lives that are now entering this world! It seems insignificant to keep going! How do I get out???
Pardon me while I burst into flames.. He is still playing his play station. He has been on it for hours and doesn’t even realize I’ve left... Have I never been there? Hmm, how does that work?
We are still together to this day. It will be for four years this December, 17th. Still fighting through past happenings and future ones to come.(how did I forsee this one.LMFAO) This new guy!, barely know him, he is so intriguing , surfer blond hair, strong hands, … Thoughts constantly stream throughout my mind. Out of control. I can't wait to see what happens next.
The boundaries may get a bit ambiguous at times, but do your best to maintain a healthy separation. People may pull on your heartstrings in order to manipulate you into doing what they want. Do not fall for this trick!
“Journey’s end and love is meeting.” WS. The fireworks burnt out!…? The love faded into the fog of darkness. I do not want to go home, I want to stay in new guy's arms. Am I with him for what?… Being able to be on my own, except for the income dependency. Which does not make much difference. Respect has always been there, but these last weeks of our relationship it has also began to vanish. I want a life with him, I’m just not sure if now is right. He can’t…He won’t wait. What am I thinking? What am I doing? I could ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. Or I could pass up the future bests in life.
Dec 6, 2009
1)Hah!...The things you let 'friends' do to u when ur drunk!!!
2) Hangin out with this guy. Most of our problems are through alcohol. I need to learn to not answer the phone after 11:00PM. He is a mind trip.He says one thing(sweet, promising things) by day and shows a whole other side, after a few shots of whiskey, by night. This was one of our worst nights while he was visiting. I decided to give it a shot, only to find another disappointment.
...I'm beginning to think that it's not really him that I miss, but his family. His sis' is the coolest chick eva!!!
Even though he is 'best friends' with my drunken enemy, and puts himself in the worst place, he's always there to bring a smile to my face!