Dec 24, 2009

pretty kitty

Oh dear Sven, don't ever let this end.

Mmmm. I just want to jump in. And never return.


DrOp It!

"...DROP IT".

Drama seems to find me in the worst of times

My night started out fine. Went to see my love, with a promise of meeting up after work. then I went home to some family friends with a bottle of wine to cheers my "happy 21st". Only enjoyed one glass...they like to drink. Soon after I got a text from a girl that I had met through my love(why do i get all 'my girls' from your collection...could make for some gooooood pics!. You game?)!?!...Am I just as consumable? Anyways, while I was waiting for him to get off. ....WORK! I drove to her house. My brother showed and soon after I hear another knock at the door. Who could it be, out of everyone, my drunken enemy passes through the door way. THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT! He decides he wants to talk, brings up our dog. FUCK YOU. I realize 1/4 into the conversation that he's already drunk. SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!!!! so everyone notices that I'm uncomfortable and they wont let me drive home so they make him leave.At one point I tried to encourage him to leave and a friend remarked on the way I was speaking towards him..."YOU TALK TO HIM LIKE HE'S A DOG!".LMFAO. I then snuck out the back and peeled out towards town. I waited by his door step,not long enough, obviously! by this time I look down at my phone and realize spending important time with my love was missed.

Dec 23, 2009

This is how I see things after 12hrs of drinking in Vegas .


Last minute decisions are always the best decisions.We jumped in the car and drove East. The weather was uncalled for. It went like this...misty to rain to snow to rain then sun!?...still cold,though. I had an amazing experience. Things are changing, and for the better. Finally. Posing in the pics was fun, yet difficult. I don't have a clue to what I'm doing in them. I guess that's why he likes them. He captures who I am and how I'm feeling at the time, it's not necessarily about what I'm doing in them...Except the train shot! Damn you Mamia ;). Wish that shot was taken, but it was worth the adrenaline rush. The worst part of the trip was turning onto the road that led us home.

"...good assistant".

...still gorgeous


Dec 18, 2009

guess what i did last night.

Dec 9, 2009

Have you ever heard of the saying "A picture is worth a thousand words"...You can't take a good picture if you don't have anything to communicate! My sister, who now runs a very sickening successful photography business, gave me my first camera when i was three(wish I could find those pics!)I have been completely enveloped since. So, for eighteen years now I have always been behind the camera, taking pictures of everything in sight, but with nothing to tell except that of capturing the moment and being able to return to it whenever desired. From spending time behind the camera and not among the people I was capturing, I lost those moments by secluding myself... And choose only to add to that everyday.


Yay! Another A! I wouldn't have been able to pass my photography exam today if I hadn't walked through the last storm, slipping on ice every twenty feet, with the promise of a hot;hott shower!Mmmm~~~Sounds quite odd, right? We'll, I have always been able to memorize dates,times, people etc... if I connected them to something that's a part of my life.This specific night I was introduced to a pretty old camera body; the leica. One that changed a photographer's career by providing them with new abilities. My exam today was basically focused on this body and how it changed the photographic world...Thanx 4 the experience I was able to link it to!!! Muah.

Dec 7, 2009

Old news, same feelings!?

This was stuff I had written a year,or 2, ago. You can tell just in my writting how much I have changed!!! But the feelings remain?...

I’m alone, with twenty other people. The snow is falling at a rapid pace. The lakes are beautifully frozen, overseen in the heat of the day. The highest average temperature is at fifteen degrees. I tried snowboarding the other day and now I am sore, in my neck back and my right hip. The reason for the loneliness is my so called pheonce. I am stuck in this house with all his strange relatives that I can barely strike up a conversation with while he is out in the garage getting high. And I am in this house all alone, on this big red couch. Colorado, this is not how I pictured you!

I am alone in this big cold house. Everyone wears their sweaters and slippers everywhere. He makes no since…every time I walk into a room, he walks to another. And the sad part is that he does unintentionally. Deep down he doest really want to be with me. He likes the thought of us but not actually me for me. He loves me but he is no longer in love with me. I remember one time when we first started moving forward in our relationship. I want it to end but only because I think it will make him appreciate me more. I want him to see Me and listen to my voice instead of some other girl making a comment about the same thing I had just previously said,yet he chooses to listen to her over me. This wouldn’t bother me sooo much if we’ve been married for a few years but we have only been dating for a few years. Not even living together and he is treating me like this, but every time something is really upsetting I will try the whole break thing and it doesn’t work. It wont even last for a few minutes. He ends up crawling on his knees and begs for any type of forgiveness. I do see that he loves me but some where in all that emotion he seems distant most of the time. Like im just hanging there… I want to be #1!!!! But you cant always get exactly what you want. But I have, my whole life;things just seem to fall into place as I creep through it. Trying not to be noticed but still be there… in a state of now.Wow, contradicting! I want to be '#1' but to go unnoticed, I guess I only care for him to see me. I care for no other attention. "Be in the moment". Which is hard to because we have only been dating for a few years and we are each others first. What is that for anyone? Things cant last forever…and it really is too good to be true. He is very compassionate at times ,a good listener when he feels like it, and for now seems to be very……

I sit by myself , in a dark room, full of nothing. Nothing for yesterday, nothing for today, and nothing for tomorrow. He is the only one person place or thing on my mind. It stings. It did not at first, I thought the pain felt good. I thought it would make things better. Well, it did for my friends. I knew many people who did it for "personal pleasure". It does make some situations in life seem finale. But do all of them who try it want want an ending, or just some attention? I’ve thought about the idea, these past few months, and my conclusion is- yes. I could deal with an ending right now. I am young ,but really just meeting more people would put a damper on the ending of a life... it would make it seem so much more severe. But before I go, I would like to travel to Europe, experience college for a bit, purchase my dream camera, feel no pain from anybody (at all ! ) I really don't love life. Pitty to those lives that are now entering this world! It seems insignificant to keep going! How do I get out???

Pardon me while I burst into flames.. He is still playing his play station. He has been on it for hours and doesn’t even realize I’ve left... Have I never been there? Hmm, how does that work?

We are still together to this day. It will be for four years this December, 17th. Still fighting through past happenings and future ones to come.(how did I forsee this one.LMFAO) This new guy!, barely know him, he is so intriguing , surfer blond hair, strong hands, … Thoughts constantly stream throughout my mind. Out of control. I can't wait to see what happens next.
The boundaries may get a bit ambiguous at times, but do your best to maintain a healthy separation. People may pull on your heartstrings in order to manipulate you into doing what they want. Do not fall for this trick!

“Journey’s end and love is meeting.” WS. The fireworks burnt out!…? The love faded into the fog of darkness. I do not want to go home, I want to stay in new guy's arms. Am I with him for what?… Being able to be on my own, except for the income dependency. Which does not make much difference. Respect has always been there, but these last weeks of our relationship it has also began to vanish. I want a life with him, I’m just not sure if now is right. He can’t…He won’t wait. What am I thinking? What am I doing? I could ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. Or I could pass up the future bests in life.

Blue Pills,... One2Many?

~"What happens if we take these and never wake up?"
~~"That would be AMAZING!!!," said with a bright smile...Then followed, laughter.


Sea and Eyes, Eyes and Sin, Sins and Dreams, Dreams and death, and finally, Death.

Dec 6, 2009

Drunken mistakes:

1)Hah!...The things you let 'friends' do to u when ur drunk!!!

2) Hangin out with this guy. Most of our problems are through alcohol. I need to learn to not answer the phone after 11:00PM. He is a mind trip.He says one thing(sweet, promising things) by day and shows a whole other side, after a few shots of whiskey, by night. This was one of our worst nights while he was visiting. I decided to give it a shot, only to find another disappointment.

...I'm beginning to think that it's not really him that I miss, but his family. His sis' is the coolest chick eva!!!

Even though he is 'best friends' with my drunken enemy, and puts himself in the worst place, he's always there to bring a smile to my face!

This friendship grew from hate. He was the most horrible roommate ever. Never cleaned up, left clothes in the washer, rent was always late, and he kept me up 'till all hours of the night with the sounds from his many one-night-stands. We became closer when we both fell out of our relationship attachments, and when he moved out. lol. Now we spend most, of these small town's drunken, nights together.

This guy has been through a lot and he's still paying for most of his mistakes from his teenage life style. Not to say he's perfect now...nobody is, but even after knowing him so well he still seems to surprise me.

He got this tat a few months ago, even though many tried to talk him out of it. It's not the saying I don't agree with, it's the body placement. Life's To Short.
Since the tattoo, all the shots I get from him are with his head tilted back to show off his neckwork. BUMMER!!!

Dec 4, 2009

There's a fine line between love and hate.

Dec 1, 2009

We find beauty in the small aspects of life. Another amazing night on the beach. He's too good to me. To show me life is one thing, but to show me love!?...Unexpected.

For the first time I feel tired at ten o'clock. I usually spend my nights awake and days asleep. I miss the beautiful days, but the nights are more...magical. So much life goes on at night. Except here. The entire town dies, yet the lights stay on!? Waste.
This is how it usually starts in my life. Happily drunk?...No such thing. Getting there is fun, but once you are there it seems to roll over and bite you in the ass, or the thigh. We spent our evenings drinking, our nights fighting, and our mornings with love making...No pictures, he has erased all of them!...?I found myself capturing beautiful pictures with someone I love, only to find him not respecting the truth. He has his own bubble. I don't think he'll ever let it break. He still lives in his innocent little world..Except when he's drunk. And come daylight, he finds himself living in apologies. Why apologize?...Everything happens for a reason. Oddly I came to find myself in the presence of someone who does enjoy the face of the human animal. Even though I knew him, it took me quite some time to find him. This came to be the best wait, to it's entirety.

...Life Was Good

I hope, for nothing more than,that this next year will bring more joy. Life has been nothing but difficult...Universe!?...This is NOT what I want. Or is it? If anything, I'm thankful for the situations I was put in and the people who graced me with their presence. I'm thankful for my perfectly rounded bubble to be popped. I'm thankful for this growth in my life. I Lost my first car. Only to receive a cute new Jetta that I can barely afford. Reasoning being; I lost my amazing of an income job. Then to find myself trying to salvage the friendship and passion of what now seems to be a one way relationship. All for what? What I lost is not what I was aiming for. "Aim Better"...Hah!. He was there, for all of it. Amazing friend. Made me into a new person. No matter where life takes us, I'll love him always.

Life was good! I have yet to regret any moment of it. But, life changes and with the people in it.This was one of the best nights of my life... One of the many, many, many he gave me. This beautiful soul came into my life unexpectedly one day at work. Of all places!!! I remember, years ago, walking by his other job. He'd be outside getting his nicotine fix, and found myself thinking...He is so gorgeous, I'd never be so lucky to have him in my life. It's odd how that works. The energy you put out into the universe seems to acknowledge your wants. Why does it take so long, though? ...Back to the beginning... He brings the best of life out in me. I was miserable with the loss of my young love, yet every moment with him brought out the most enormous smile; on my face and in my heart. This beautiful night started with his car breaking down and my new desire for seafood. We drove to the beach, had a lingering dinner in between sweet kisses, and walked down to the beach. The walk was short, yet so beautiful. His lips to mine are pure Ecstasy.After multiple memorable months...Come to find out, he hid his whole beautiful world from me. It's not that he lied, because I never asked the right questions?...Is that really how it works? Why he's letting me in now is unsure. Check SpellingOur friendship and passion in life at this point are indescribable...enjoyable love.

Beautiful December

Always Loved This Color On Me... Except for now. I want, nothing more than, to take a hot bath and never get out. One problem... it gets cold and then your forced to leave this beautiful pool of comfort; life's just the same. You want what you can't have and then the second you get it you don't seem to want it anymore. It's the beautiful game that all seem to play. When do we decide to give up this childhood scenario and just live?...Never. Life's a game, we all choose to play. With this new life of mine, I'm learning how to play this fun game. There's only one problem, my heart becomes attacked. I'm purely human. Can't seem to help myself, but to fall. Falling for all the wrong reasons at that! I had always had a significant other in my life. Since I was in kindergarten, there was always someone there...What did I know then?...Nothing about true feelings! But it always seemed important to have that special someone in my life.I decided to spend the best years of growing with one complex soul for five years. He's still here, in more ways than necessary at this point, that's the complicated part. This makes saying "goodbye" to him every other month more and more difficult. The end was... first it was fun, I was free to do what I wanted for a change, until my heart was attacked...Again! I've never been so alone 'till now.