Feb 25, 2010

My feet still tingle, same feeling as when a body part falls asleep. I cant feel my toes. Nerve damage for sure. I was in the snow melt for too long. Bruises everywhere, but the heartache has surly caused more damage to myself. My doctor said if it had been for any longer I may have had them amputated!(that may be why I couldn't walk!!!) WTF was I doing!? Now I'm on meds and a physical therapy regiment. ...THE WORST PART; rehab is in question! I just turned 21 and obviously I haven't learned much from last year's experience. Rehab? Seriously? ... That may be for the best, but expensive, degrading and would put me back for months. I feel that there are many more people out there who need help, not me! Not me!?...If I haven't helped myself from past experiences, should I get help from someone else?

Feb 24, 2010

I had found this in my jacket pocket today. He had held it for me while in SD, and then slipped it to me. I went down to the falls where we shot, to find my scarf. Yep, blood everywhere. I'm thankful that he took care of me, but disgusted with my self. Vodka over love?...There's no contest. I can't believe our night ended the way it did. I had no intentions of hurting him. My only intentions were of a life long dream. When I found my necklace I felt that it was final,it can't be. I'm sorry, love.

He has some beautiful pictures, but I have the worst.

I ruined our day together..... hell, i may have ruined our life together. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely breathe. I don't want to go through life with out him. We had so many beautiful plans for life. PLEASE DON'T LET US END! I know things went wrong, more than that...Miserable. I'm sorry, nothing of that sort will ever happen again. ...he may have taken some beautiful pics, but this is all I have from this horrid memory.

My mom and friends' only input is to take deep breaths. No one will understand the pain that I'm going through. The physical pain wont ever compare to my heartache. I can't stop crying, make it stop! My eyes are swollen, and I have a job interview tomorrow!

Double Killer

I look back on this poem from years ago. I had won a poem contest in high school, it was centered around drug and alcohol control. Should I have not paid attention to my own words!? Sadly, my last year's car crash experience did not go like this...but the rest of my life did. I lost the most important person in my life over a bad day with vodka. I'm the biggest fool.

All I hear are sirens
All I feel is pain
All I see is my love...
lying dead in the rain

I lift up his head
And softly kiss his cheek
I whisper, I love you
While his heartbeat I seek

People line the street
Along with shattered glass
Police surround , cars slowly pass

I hold on tight
As tears run down my face
I know then, this is our last embrace

Before they take him from me
I grasp him by his hand
Holding up his finger, I remove his class band

I hold it to my heart, looking towards the night sky
I blow him a kiss
Saying my last goodbye

The love of my life left me many things
All of our times together along with his class ring

If the car didn't hit us
If he didn't drink or drive
Then the love of my life would still be alive

Not only did the alcohol take one life, it took two
It's a double killer
It killed the other driver, too.

Drivers under the influence
Teenagers in love
Two lives taken up to the heavens above

Standing in the rain
I kiss the casket, my heart filled with pain

Feb 7, 2010

There once was a world
And a daughter lived in it
The clock ticked away, minute by minute
The girl grew taller, lovelier, stronger
And woudn't be just a girl for too much longer
Years past...Time flew by in a flash

Graduation day came, life just the same
Off to college, saying thier farewells
not knowing what to expect...

Next day in hell.

The phone rang at six o'clock
Not a minute sooner
Right on the dot
The other end brought sounds of screaming sirens and pain
Along with the background of the pouring rain

They rushed to the scene, cars slowly passed
And there she lay among shattered glass.

Hold them tight within your arms, you'll never know the day they will be gone.
To see you hurt...to see you cry
Makes me weep and want to die
And if you agree to never fight, it wouldn't matter who's wrong or right
If a broken heart needs a mend
I'll be right there, until the end
If your cheeks are wet from drops of tears
Don't you worry...Let go of your fears
Hand in hand love is sent
We will make it for what it's meant.

Feb 3, 2010

What happened? You have a beautiful body. Balls up, love. I have!

Feb 2, 2010

I was given this ring as a 'promise ring' ...LOL. Promise 4 what? A life time of comfort, well not for me. We were together for five years and it didn't last, so why would it now? Last Sunday he broke his wrist while snowboarding and I was the first person he called. Well, I was not available for his call till my Mom had told me he had been trying to reach me, so I returned his call. ...No answer. By then I heard he was in surgery. !
~~~Last October I had more than an epic experience with him. Not to bore you with the details... He ended up throwing my ring because I was done with being attached with someone who was not here for me what so ever (I spent the night watching him pole dance with his ex after he had invited me there). Well, he didn't throw it too far. I was cleaning my car today and found it bound between the seats!

I would love to know more of photography, but now I'm in front of the camera!? I love doing it, but not just for anyone. I can't find one other photographer who seems legit. This experience is becoming redondant.


"Photography has granted him a language. The human body has provided him with a subject. "