Aug 30, 2014

So many...So soon. When I least expect, the more I receive.

Credits: JamesDavid
                                        I would call this one of his many action shots turned pose. I love it.
Credits: JamesDavid

I doubled booked yesterday. I can feel it today. I shot with
JamesDavid yesterday morning at Dry Beaver Creek where the Mosquitos never sleep. I have a few bites, but not nearly as many as my last shoot with rick Sprain, a couple of weeks ago, near Perkinsville. After climbing rocks and trees and mounds of asphalt, and lying in fields of flowers (mostly poisonous by consumption), smothering myself in mud and slithering around 'like a snake' and then rolling in gravelish sand to make what we now call 'the cookie', and twirling endlessly in about a foot of murky water... we got these:

Credits: JamesDavid

Credits: JamesDavid

And then it was of to my socially acceptable day job. The Black Canyon housed only about 200 people last night; three servers and two cooks, I think we did a pretty decent job. I believe there is always room for improvement and of course our clientele love to give suggestions as if the are part ownership. *cough. Anyways, my mom always told me to mark an x over my mosquito bites with my finger nail to stop the itch... well, last night it was so bad I just sliced right through one that was on my elbow. No!... Not on purpose. I was taking out the trash; threw it over the dumpster and someone had thrown a broken Stella Artois  glass into the mix, slicing my elbow ironically straight across the biggest mosquito bite I've ever experienced. At least now it doesnt itch! ;)

Credits: JamesDavid

Aug 27, 2014

"...the physical reality is that my body exists only in relation to this universe, and in fact I am as attached to it and dependent on it as a leaf on a tree. I feel cut off only because I am split within myself, because I try to be divided from my own feelings and sensations. What I feel and sense therefore seems foreign to me. And on being aware of the unreality of this division, the universe does not seem foreign any more." ~Watts

Credits: JamesDavid

Aug 24, 2014

Credits: Rick Sprain

As the relationship between collaborators evolve the pictures evolve. We are finding that balance between what we are both wanting to accomplish.

Prime example of trust:

Credits: Rick Sprain

It is about having the ability to separate yourself from social norms. I make the unjustifiable- justified.  You must be aware of your surroundings in this field, yes. But you can't anticipate what might happen next. I lose touch with the pose; the form and the lens when my mind wanders to past experiences when shooting nudes in public places. 

We did have a minor threat by an authority figure; the park ranger. This broken home is located just minutes off of the park's camp sites. We passed through the barbed wire. After about twenty minutes of shooting: she drove past, stopped, got out of her truck and we "hid" inside... not many places to hide in a decaying building.

Aug 18, 2014


 A wrong turn ended up being so right. If I had never been to Jerome before I would have most likely scared myself to death... Oh, have I mentioned I hate driving!? At the same time a panic from loss of direction took place, the storm settled over me. The rain was pounding as rapidly onto my windshield as my heart in  my chest. I survived. Another day.
Credits: JamesDavid

The shoot was fantastic. I've never felt more alive on a shoot; everything went so smoothly from the drive out
there to the the cusp; the broken down home. There is a difference in the picture when you get to know who you are collaborating with on a human level. I'm not here to take off my clothes, get paid and drive away... wow, that sounds bad. I'm here to explore, learn and grow as a creative. I'm not an actor. I've never taken classes. What I do is separate thee from me. This particular shoot was filled with experience, strength and hope... What person is not striving for that believable hope?
Credits: JamesDavid
Credit: JamesDavid
I hit my bottom over a year ago. All of our bottoms look different; mostly ending in jail, institutions and even death. My story doesn't veer into those directions, but I was close-to all three. I  started the program of AA and found myself surrounded not by alcoholics but by drug addicts. I’m not discriminating… we all need some level of help. To separate us does not make sense on a financial level for these treatment centers… I've only met two other girls who were seeking help for alcoholism. So, I have heard the stories of drug addicts- not glorified; only mere experiences which are supposed to lead to strength and hope for one another. I've been told it’s most difficult to be an alcoholic because it’s everywhere, well drugs are too- if you want them to be!

The condemned stories  became extremely real last weekend. I picked her up from work and noticed a change. Her level of anticipation was extremely annoying. She couldn't hold a conversation; the past five minutes kept repeating themselves. I tried to rationalize my thoughts, I went straight to denial. She has so much to stay sober for. Maybe she’s excited about getting her license back, visiting her children in Connecticut  in a few weeks, getting off of probation… the list goes on.  Sunday night was worse. It seemed as though her lower jaw wished to escape from the structure of her mouth. Her hips swayed as if music were playing. She always had a tendency to move her wrists when she spoke… but she wasn't talking.

I went to bed. The next morning I found myself in a horror movie. I found her body tense; tongue and lips swollen. She moaned in agony- and I left her there. I talked to one of our friends-she came over and another followed. Her bedroom was dark and still until we woke the beast. She glared at the three of us hovering around her bed. Her eyes were solid black; full of rage. Then tears poured when she hung up the phone with  work.
Credits: JamesDavid
 Five different extreme emotions rolled into minutes which seemed as though hours had passed. All I wanted to do was get out. I had a shoot that day. First thought was to cancel so I called a friend. I knew he would tell me what I needed to hear. So I took his advise. I packed a bag and got out of self. I drove an hour to the shoot and turned all of my pain and confusion into art. I wanted so much to end up back home and that morning been a dream. But that is my reality. That is my friend lying helplessly, in her mind, on a bed full of needles.  All I can be is a sober option for her and to others wandering aimlessly through this part of their journey.

Aug 16, 2014

“…we have  allowed brain thinking to develop and dominate our lives out of all proportion  to “instinctual wisdom,” which we are allowing to slump into atrophy. As a consequence, we are war within ourselves- the brain desiring things which the body does not want, and the body desiring things which the brain does not allow; the brain giving directions which the body will not follow, and the body giving impulses which the brain cannot understand. ~ In one way or another civilized man agrees with St. Frances in thinking of the body as Brother Ass. But even theologians have recognized that the source of evil and stupidity lies not in the physical organism as a whole, but in the cut-off, dissociated brain which they term the “will”.”


Aug 13, 2014

Credits: JamesDavid

“Our very psychology has been shaken to it’s foundation… to grasp the meaning of the world today we use language created to express the world of yesterday. The life of the past seems to us nearer our true nature, but only for the reason that it is nearer our language.” ~Antoine de Saint Exupery

Aug 10, 2014

                                  If a piece of knotted string can unleash the wind and a drowned man can waken then I believe a broken man can heal.

Credits: Rick Sprain
My photo shoot with Rick Sprain... A few weeks ago? Time flies. 800 or so pictures I'm anxiously waiting to go through and we're already scheduling our next meet. When the weather seems to finally be cooling down, it heats right up. Throwing around sporadic  thunderstorms; I always seem to be fixed inside.
Credits: Rick Sprain

Aug 2, 2014

 I've finally downsized! In All most every aspect of my life… shoes, clothes, the abundance in room mates and the amount of food I have had to
keep in my refrigerator. The food thing was due to living in a house full of addicts who carried their thievery  aspect of “survival” with them into treatment. There was always something missing of mine: bananas, ice cream, salad dressing, tampons and peanut butter.   OMG! The peanut butter! I wasn't the only victim of peanut butter theft. Tubs upon tubs were stolen weekly. We could never figure out who or how these large amounts of peanut butter were disappearing.  Now I’m living in peace and tranquility. I actually enjoy coming home from work everyday! And the best part is shooting. Scheduling photo shoots whenever and where ever  I please and not having to tip toe around my modeling subject is just amiable. I finally have a sense of civilized freedom. I share an apartment with my friend Beany, who has shown great interest in modeling for me yet getting her out there is problematic. One day, some day.
Moving day was exciting. One of our more drastic days of monsoon season; streets flooded, power outages which all led to incompetent drivers. This experience has made me question whether or not to up my insurance policy! Three trips to Starbucks and Target we made our apartment semi livable.  Bottom line- our idea of  “standard of  living” is  too high!  Our list of  house hold items still to  buy is so large we decided to group it into categories because our income only excels to necessities. Another ‘one day, some day’ I’ll be living modestly yet comfortable!