May 29, 2010

I'm longing for company...But recognizing I'm better off without it. 

This past month has been full of sleepless nights. Learning to sleep alone has to be the most difficult challenge of life. I'm in bed by nine every night just laying; dwelling on my alarm going off which only leads to work!.....? The minutes of sleep that I am blessed with are full of nightmares.  

I don't want to fall asleep tonight.

I miss you.

May 26, 2010

Besides the early cumulus clouds that have been rolling in every afternoon, the fire ruined my tanning session at the grotto. Bi-Polar and I hiked down far enough to avoid having to have tan lines. We were only able to stay for about 20min. ! The smoke started to engulf the canyon and ashes fell like raindrops. We hiked up, but couldn't tell where the fire was located,  so we drove out to the point. The tiny road that leads out there was covered with cars like tiny ants on a piece of fruit. I was the only one out there with a camera. A little fire had started on the corner of Batista and Fareview. I listened to the radio scanner that one guy had; he had been communicating with a firefighter that was stationed out there. I have to question his place and information that he had been receiving..He wasn't in uniform!?... of now.

May 24, 2010

You're Not My Friend

You're not my God
And you are not my friend
You are not the one who I will walk with in the end
You're not the truth, you're a temporary shot
You ruin people's lives and you don't give a second thought
Little white lies on my mirror...found neatly in a row
Medicine that kept me from looking into my soul  
The only true feelings were  trust
A little sure felt good
But a lot was not enough 
I thought you were the answer
To all of my despair
And you almost had me six feet down
But I'm still breathing air
From the cradle to the grave
Temptations all around
But no matter how good the's going to take you down
Now, some call you my weakness...some call it a sin
But it's all the same behind each game
I see your evil grin
You're not my friend.

May 20, 2010

Because I can!

May 19, 2010

Eikoh Hosoe

Things aren't always what they seem. This beautiful mind captured incredible moments.

Why? How?...Beautiful.
He was incredibly amazing throughout the whole experience!!! When he got off from work, the first thing he did was give me a massage then drew a bath...with candles!!! I love him.

~ Except for the fact that he is always on his phone...
Ironically, I had increased my coverage on my car only days before the accident!...Luckily, I got away clean. Well... legally, not physically! Three broken ribs, gash on my chin and my face mashed up from the airbag. And I went back to work the next day!!! Give me some credit!?! 

Yeah, that is part of a tree weaved through my fender!
One year ago,today, I ruined my entire life. The day started out fine. I then found myself frustrated with following him around his house, all afternoon. First, he sat on his computer and then went upstairs to play the piano. I honestly think I fell in love with him when I first saw him play; the smile that falls upon his face, the way his eyes close and the rest of his body becomes enveloped with the music, the way his fingers dance across the keyboard. I was enjoying his harmony until he abruptly stopped. He went outside to water his garden. I followed. Still, no words were spoken. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say...I didn't know what was bothering him!
~We had gone out for a hike before all of this. Of coarse he brought his camera, but I never considered myself the model. With not knowing what he was trying to accomplish on this hike, he 'got nothing'.  He never communicated very well; in fear of what I would think about his work?...It would have been better than leaving me in the dark for all of those months. He recently  looked back on the pics that he did capture that day. "...that's in comparison to what Weston captured." So something was accomplished, in disguise, with something ruined in the same day. ~

I left to pick up some of his favorite food, and when i returned he had already left. The only response  I received was find me. WTF!? Ash called me moments later. We decided to go to a friends house. She said, "take a shot, forget about him!" -OK.  Shot after shot after shot; all i wanted,still, was to see him! They let me drive?...Next day in hell!!!
Where did you go?...the guy I fell in love with. The guy I met, unexpected; who took me away from all of my problems. You were someone I could come to with anything. You showed me the light when all I saw was darkness. Even in the middle of the night, you were there for me; you were able to answer all of my questions, you made me feel better when I was depressed, you held my hand when I fell. (lol) You were there unconditionally...What happened?
In reference to your 'potentail girlfriend' have never looked that happy while playing  with me.

May 18, 2010

Wake me from this horrid dream!...Wait! I need to see more.

Have you ever woke up from a dream and wanted more?...but were never able to fall back into the same one! Well, my morning  dream was epic. I woke up, in terror; laying, drenched in my own sweat with my pillow soaked in my tears. I needed more. I wanted to find out what happened next. I dived  back into my pillow and for some reason was placed in  the same scene I had woken from!  

The emotions I felt and the places we were in were incredibly clear as if reality had set in; into my dream.

~ I was out on a local control road with him; shooting?... The reasoning to why we were out there was blurry, but I'd have to assume with our relationship's circumstances. We had been arguing and I decided to walk home.I ended up at a friend's house party, and with one phone call my stomach turned upside down and so did my entire world. I  went out onto the back porch to speak with a police officer who informed me that  he was ' longer with us, his Jeep had been taken to an impound'. In disbelief I literally ran to his house. He was nowhere to be found! I sat on his bed waiting for him to answer my phone calls. I fell asleep staring into all his beautiful photographs on his wall. I woke up, still in disbelief, I gathered up a couple of empty boxes that were left for me downstairs. The first thing I looked for was his cameras...they were nowhere to be found. So I started to pack away his computer.

First, I took the mouse and while I was wrapping it up Kenny peered his head through the crack in the door.
"Is it OK for me to come in". I looked up at him with no reply. His three girls followed. I fell to the floor with uncontrollable tears. The oldest of the three knelt beside and threw her arms around me. She told me, "I know.  I'm sorry for your loss. But it's all of ours, too. We are in this together!" Her big brown eyes looked up at me while she wiped away my tears. Eva then walked in. I stood up and greeted her with a hug. She told me if I ever needed anything they would be right here. They left and I continued to find things to wrap up. I looked around and noticed that most things were already in a box. Questions, along with tears,  started to flood from within; Where will I be putting this stuff? Why am I the one  to be taking away his things? Why am I taking anything in the first place-He will be back!  Even while beginning to pack up his belongings, I knew somewhere in the back of my head that he would return. I lay back down onto his bed and cried myself to sleep. 

Days later I woke up to the sun shinning through that beautiful window. I rolled over and put my arm around...his pillow!? He had not returned.Salty tears drained uncontrollably as I stepped out of bed, directly to the floor. His bed frame had been taken out but his mattress was still there. I then flashed on his new boss telling me I could stay there as long as I needed to. This pain is too much! I need him back, where are you? why did you leave me in this world? I hadn't taken out a single box, nor had I seen anyone remove anything. Why are most valuables gone? I got dressed and looked around the room; scanning his walls. Besides his other work  the movie posters were no longer there, in place of were recent pictures that he had taken; from his first real model, his friend's wedding to the dance concert. I rushed down stairs in hope to see him on the porch with coffee and a cigarette. The door was still locked...he wasn't out there!

I went back upstairs to find Nay-nay's Dad and brother playing a ping-pong game that was placed where his turn tables were. I gave them a look like what the fuck!!! Most of his belongings were gone.

(This is where I woke up and demanded to be placed back into my dream...fell back to sleep.)

Nay-nay came in seconds later; she didn't say a word to me. His photographs caught her eye. She viewed every picture in  the room and then looked at me. "They are amazing!" she told me. I replied with,"I know." And, once again, I broke down in tears. She ran to me with  arms open.

Most of his things were gone, but his computer area was still intact...and that's what I started to pack up first!? ... Her mom walked in and broke our hug. "Sorry sweetie, but everyone is waiting for you."  waiting for what? I thought to myself.

I walked down stairs and saw that there were probably fifty or more  people  in the lobby. Is this his memorial service!? It has only been a few days!!!...we haven't even found his body yet. He could be anywhere; just because his car was totaled doesn't mean that he is! Make it stop! He will come back. I scanned the room for his mom...Nothing?  Everyone else seemed to believe that his body had been deceased. But I didn't, I refused to believe or participate in this "gathering of his honor". I brushed through the crowd, looking down, and rushed  outside to have a cigarette. I started to flash back on past times that we had shared together on that very porch; his first move in, the first snow storm we shared while curling up next to each other- just to get our nicotine craving fix, our first real fight, him telling me to get of his porch- from a shoot happening that went chaotic(which I don't like to think about),  feeding the wild coons and cats...the memories went on. {these memories I had in my dream  we  did experience together!...why did they show up in my if it was reality setting into play?}

I sat outside the memorial, by myself, wondering when will I wake up from this dream? Then, from the side of the building I heard weeping. I walked over and there she sat, right where his Jeep would normally be parked. His mom sat with her hands over her face. I didn't say a word, only sat beside her. She looked at me and said, "No, it can't be. I Don't believe it." I wrapped my arms around her and told her I felt the same way. I responded with, "He's out there somewhere, we just need to look hard enough. He'll be back."
She replied with, "If that's true, where did he go? Why cant we find him? Why does everyone seem to believe that he is gone forever?"
I couldn't respond...I had the same questions! We held each other for a while, until Ig asked me to come inside. His mom wouldn't move, so I told her I'd be back ASAP. She let me go and Ig took my hand and led me inside. I sat with my mom on the couch, still in disbelief. Tears streamed from my eyes as rivers from the mountains. People walked around and mingled; some cried more than others. Some sat in disbelief, but not as much I was. I knew he wasn't truly gone,but people still insisted that I start to let go. This only made me more angry and start to question my intuitiveness. Brian and Courtney had catered the and water were passed around. While my mom's arm stayed wrapped around me, Courtney came up to me. She placed her hands on my knees and said, with tears dropping from her eyes, "I'm sorry, love. I couldn't imagine losing the love of my life." She then glanced over to Brian. 

I couldn't bare the memorial service anymore. I ran up stairs to what was left of his room and sunk into his pillow.  I then woke to... my own bed; my house!? I jumped out of bed and ran out side only to find my Dad outside, watering the garden. I ran to my car. He yelled out to me, "Where are you going? What are you doing?" I jumped into my car, and drove towards his house. I felt that I had woken from a nightmare and needed to see him. I became closer and closer to his house...his Jeep wasn't there; only a shadow, below the marque, sat with a round coffee cup in hand and smoke that drifted from his cigarette.  I couldn't stop. Something told me to keep going. The road turned into a highway stretched across the desert plain. While driving, I was told to keep will find him in time, he needs you as much as you need him.

~I then woke up with  real heartache and pain that this dream had caused me. My day was left in depression; even though I knew it was just a dream, why was it so incredibly real!?!?

May 11, 2010


I just now came to  the realization of  still being emotionally attached to my old job... HIM!

May 8, 2010

I came home this morning to broken New Castle bottles all over my driveway...WTF!?

I keep wondering if this is at all related to a text I received last night, "You left your're not sleeping!" ; Stalker!?
I never said I was sleeping...My response was that I had to get up early and I wasn't going out. 

There was a new neighbor, running by, as I pulled into my driveway. He was kind of enough to introduce himself and help pick up the shattered glass.
''Who would do such a thing in this beautiful little town?"  I replied with, "Trust me, it isn't all that beautiful."

Thank you, and I was already stressing on being late for work!

May 6, 2010

Kiss; unexpected.

Once I got home I decided to take Mowgli for a walk; I consumed more than I'm used to... I walked up a hill I haven't been on in quite some while. I ended up reminiscing on an Native American ceremonial ground where I had shared my first entiment kiss. 

...Don't mind the hard shadow. lol!

May 5, 2010

It's sad enough that these animals are cooped up, do they really have to wear a tag pierced to them!?

May 4, 2010

After his newly renounced view on life...He asked, "What does 'avatar' mean, what is an avatar?"...Seriously!?!?. This was the first time I was able to educate him on something without him trying to dispute it!
My Dad has referenced Avatar with the Bible! LMFAO...well at least he's becoming more open minded. 

"If Adam did not eat the apple, would we still be running with the wild animals, would we still be naked; enjoying the PURITY that we became fortunate upon?"   "I think the human race could learn a lot from this movie. We take and take but when do we ever give back?"  

~Would we still be one with the earth?

His take on the movie took me by shock! He has always been a Bible Notzie and barely takes evolution into consideration. He also referenced the closeness of earth that  the Native Americans lived by; which the Europeans stole from them, and in part  turned them into money grieving thieves.

Some people live in this 'sacred world' of the bible, but I honestly doubt that they are truly reading into it! We are blessed with this human form to spread the word...The creatures who are  less fortunate to speak are here to portray it.

I can NOT believe a movie has spoken out to clearly!

The body can taste, smell and see. The body can hear and touch; whatever is near. But we are more than all these senses, combined. You are not the body. You are the soul beneath which lives on; forever. No matter where we may be or where you may be we are one and can always find each other in the path of life.
Have you ever felt chills in the dead of summer; when ice melts instantly against your skin and the breeze that brushes your face is hot and dry; when the sun doesn't shine, it only burns?

Have you ever experienced a robe of warmth drape over you, like fire to your legs while standing next to burning wood, in the middle of an ice storm? 

That is God.

OK...Still working on the focal points. lol!!!
My mom is more fun than any other 'model' I have taken out to shoot; and I didn't even take her out for that!. How do I make these other girls feel playful!?!?...I know; comfort,but...

I encouraged one of my best friends to model for me and she basically hid from the camera and after viewing the aftermath she replied with, "My butt is too big, I don't look good...I'm not hanging out with you if you keep taking pictures of me!"...Um, that's what we were doing today, right!?

It wasn't the pics...It was her own self-esteem. low!?
...And then there are some animals that should be left in their cage...Hahahaha!
There are some animals that should NOT be put into enclosed habitats!!!
Their main food supply is marijuana.
                                           Beautiful Hummingbirds surround the whole park.
Before work on Saturday, I went to The Living Desert with my family. I made it more productive than I thought...I was able to play with my camera and capture beautiful  pictures without  making the model wait till I figured out what I was doing; the models just kind of laid there. lol. Practice day; learned a lot!

May 3, 2010

Working on my focal points. lol! Surprisingly, I just learned many new things with this camera; along with manual focus. ...I'm used to working with the 50D, give me a break!?
I don't know how he does it every night! Just this last weekend kicked my ass. I enjoy the new responsibilities and cash flow, but not wanting to  do anything after work is kind of a bummer.
I'm going to sleep incredibly well tonight. 

Bed ASAP...Dad's birthday tomorrow...And only one more day with the grandparents!!!
Yeah! I'm sooo done with my life revolving around family plans: night and day.