May 18, 2010

Wake me from this horrid dream!...Wait! I need to see more.

Have you ever woke up from a dream and wanted more?...but were never able to fall back into the same one! Well, my morning  dream was epic. I woke up, in terror; laying, drenched in my own sweat with my pillow soaked in my tears. I needed more. I wanted to find out what happened next. I dived  back into my pillow and for some reason was placed in  the same scene I had woken from!  

The emotions I felt and the places we were in were incredibly clear as if reality had set in; into my dream.

~ I was out on a local control road with him; shooting?... The reasoning to why we were out there was blurry, but I'd have to assume with our relationship's circumstances. We had been arguing and I decided to walk home.I ended up at a friend's house party, and with one phone call my stomach turned upside down and so did my entire world. I  went out onto the back porch to speak with a police officer who informed me that  he was ' longer with us, his Jeep had been taken to an impound'. In disbelief I literally ran to his house. He was nowhere to be found! I sat on his bed waiting for him to answer my phone calls. I fell asleep staring into all his beautiful photographs on his wall. I woke up, still in disbelief, I gathered up a couple of empty boxes that were left for me downstairs. The first thing I looked for was his cameras...they were nowhere to be found. So I started to pack away his computer.

First, I took the mouse and while I was wrapping it up Kenny peered his head through the crack in the door.
"Is it OK for me to come in". I looked up at him with no reply. His three girls followed. I fell to the floor with uncontrollable tears. The oldest of the three knelt beside and threw her arms around me. She told me, "I know.  I'm sorry for your loss. But it's all of ours, too. We are in this together!" Her big brown eyes looked up at me while she wiped away my tears. Eva then walked in. I stood up and greeted her with a hug. She told me if I ever needed anything they would be right here. They left and I continued to find things to wrap up. I looked around and noticed that most things were already in a box. Questions, along with tears,  started to flood from within; Where will I be putting this stuff? Why am I the one  to be taking away his things? Why am I taking anything in the first place-He will be back!  Even while beginning to pack up his belongings, I knew somewhere in the back of my head that he would return. I lay back down onto his bed and cried myself to sleep. 

Days later I woke up to the sun shinning through that beautiful window. I rolled over and put my arm around...his pillow!? He had not returned.Salty tears drained uncontrollably as I stepped out of bed, directly to the floor. His bed frame had been taken out but his mattress was still there. I then flashed on his new boss telling me I could stay there as long as I needed to. This pain is too much! I need him back, where are you? why did you leave me in this world? I hadn't taken out a single box, nor had I seen anyone remove anything. Why are most valuables gone? I got dressed and looked around the room; scanning his walls. Besides his other work  the movie posters were no longer there, in place of were recent pictures that he had taken; from his first real model, his friend's wedding to the dance concert. I rushed down stairs in hope to see him on the porch with coffee and a cigarette. The door was still locked...he wasn't out there!

I went back upstairs to find Nay-nay's Dad and brother playing a ping-pong game that was placed where his turn tables were. I gave them a look like what the fuck!!! Most of his belongings were gone.

(This is where I woke up and demanded to be placed back into my dream...fell back to sleep.)

Nay-nay came in seconds later; she didn't say a word to me. His photographs caught her eye. She viewed every picture in  the room and then looked at me. "They are amazing!" she told me. I replied with,"I know." And, once again, I broke down in tears. She ran to me with  arms open.

Most of his things were gone, but his computer area was still intact...and that's what I started to pack up first!? ... Her mom walked in and broke our hug. "Sorry sweetie, but everyone is waiting for you."  waiting for what? I thought to myself.

I walked down stairs and saw that there were probably fifty or more  people  in the lobby. Is this his memorial service!? It has only been a few days!!!...we haven't even found his body yet. He could be anywhere; just because his car was totaled doesn't mean that he is! Make it stop! He will come back. I scanned the room for his mom...Nothing?  Everyone else seemed to believe that his body had been deceased. But I didn't, I refused to believe or participate in this "gathering of his honor". I brushed through the crowd, looking down, and rushed  outside to have a cigarette. I started to flash back on past times that we had shared together on that very porch; his first move in, the first snow storm we shared while curling up next to each other- just to get our nicotine craving fix, our first real fight, him telling me to get of his porch- from a shoot happening that went chaotic(which I don't like to think about),  feeding the wild coons and cats...the memories went on. {these memories I had in my dream  we  did experience together!...why did they show up in my if it was reality setting into play?}

I sat outside the memorial, by myself, wondering when will I wake up from this dream? Then, from the side of the building I heard weeping. I walked over and there she sat, right where his Jeep would normally be parked. His mom sat with her hands over her face. I didn't say a word, only sat beside her. She looked at me and said, "No, it can't be. I Don't believe it." I wrapped my arms around her and told her I felt the same way. I responded with, "He's out there somewhere, we just need to look hard enough. He'll be back."
She replied with, "If that's true, where did he go? Why cant we find him? Why does everyone seem to believe that he is gone forever?"
I couldn't respond...I had the same questions! We held each other for a while, until Ig asked me to come inside. His mom wouldn't move, so I told her I'd be back ASAP. She let me go and Ig took my hand and led me inside. I sat with my mom on the couch, still in disbelief. Tears streamed from my eyes as rivers from the mountains. People walked around and mingled; some cried more than others. Some sat in disbelief, but not as much I was. I knew he wasn't truly gone,but people still insisted that I start to let go. This only made me more angry and start to question my intuitiveness. Brian and Courtney had catered the and water were passed around. While my mom's arm stayed wrapped around me, Courtney came up to me. She placed her hands on my knees and said, with tears dropping from her eyes, "I'm sorry, love. I couldn't imagine losing the love of my life." She then glanced over to Brian. 

I couldn't bare the memorial service anymore. I ran up stairs to what was left of his room and sunk into his pillow.  I then woke to... my own bed; my house!? I jumped out of bed and ran out side only to find my Dad outside, watering the garden. I ran to my car. He yelled out to me, "Where are you going? What are you doing?" I jumped into my car, and drove towards his house. I felt that I had woken from a nightmare and needed to see him. I became closer and closer to his house...his Jeep wasn't there; only a shadow, below the marque, sat with a round coffee cup in hand and smoke that drifted from his cigarette.  I couldn't stop. Something told me to keep going. The road turned into a highway stretched across the desert plain. While driving, I was told to keep will find him in time, he needs you as much as you need him.

~I then woke up with  real heartache and pain that this dream had caused me. My day was left in depression; even though I knew it was just a dream, why was it so incredibly real!?!?

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