Dec 7, 2009

Old news, same feelings!?

This was stuff I had written a year,or 2, ago. You can tell just in my writting how much I have changed!!! But the feelings remain?...

I’m alone, with twenty other people. The snow is falling at a rapid pace. The lakes are beautifully frozen, overseen in the heat of the day. The highest average temperature is at fifteen degrees. I tried snowboarding the other day and now I am sore, in my neck back and my right hip. The reason for the loneliness is my so called pheonce. I am stuck in this house with all his strange relatives that I can barely strike up a conversation with while he is out in the garage getting high. And I am in this house all alone, on this big red couch. Colorado, this is not how I pictured you!

I am alone in this big cold house. Everyone wears their sweaters and slippers everywhere. He makes no since…every time I walk into a room, he walks to another. And the sad part is that he does unintentionally. Deep down he doest really want to be with me. He likes the thought of us but not actually me for me. He loves me but he is no longer in love with me. I remember one time when we first started moving forward in our relationship. I want it to end but only because I think it will make him appreciate me more. I want him to see Me and listen to my voice instead of some other girl making a comment about the same thing I had just previously said,yet he chooses to listen to her over me. This wouldn’t bother me sooo much if we’ve been married for a few years but we have only been dating for a few years. Not even living together and he is treating me like this, but every time something is really upsetting I will try the whole break thing and it doesn’t work. It wont even last for a few minutes. He ends up crawling on his knees and begs for any type of forgiveness. I do see that he loves me but some where in all that emotion he seems distant most of the time. Like im just hanging there… I want to be #1!!!! But you cant always get exactly what you want. But I have, my whole life;things just seem to fall into place as I creep through it. Trying not to be noticed but still be there… in a state of now.Wow, contradicting! I want to be '#1' but to go unnoticed, I guess I only care for him to see me. I care for no other attention. "Be in the moment". Which is hard to because we have only been dating for a few years and we are each others first. What is that for anyone? Things cant last forever…and it really is too good to be true. He is very compassionate at times ,a good listener when he feels like it, and for now seems to be very……

I sit by myself , in a dark room, full of nothing. Nothing for yesterday, nothing for today, and nothing for tomorrow. He is the only one person place or thing on my mind. It stings. It did not at first, I thought the pain felt good. I thought it would make things better. Well, it did for my friends. I knew many people who did it for "personal pleasure". It does make some situations in life seem finale. But do all of them who try it want want an ending, or just some attention? I’ve thought about the idea, these past few months, and my conclusion is- yes. I could deal with an ending right now. I am young ,but really just meeting more people would put a damper on the ending of a life... it would make it seem so much more severe. But before I go, I would like to travel to Europe, experience college for a bit, purchase my dream camera, feel no pain from anybody (at all ! ) I really don't love life. Pitty to those lives that are now entering this world! It seems insignificant to keep going! How do I get out???

Pardon me while I burst into flames.. He is still playing his play station. He has been on it for hours and doesn’t even realize I’ve left... Have I never been there? Hmm, how does that work?

We are still together to this day. It will be for four years this December, 17th. Still fighting through past happenings and future ones to come.(how did I forsee this one.LMFAO) This new guy!, barely know him, he is so intriguing , surfer blond hair, strong hands, … Thoughts constantly stream throughout my mind. Out of control. I can't wait to see what happens next.
The boundaries may get a bit ambiguous at times, but do your best to maintain a healthy separation. People may pull on your heartstrings in order to manipulate you into doing what they want. Do not fall for this trick!

“Journey’s end and love is meeting.” WS. The fireworks burnt out!…? The love faded into the fog of darkness. I do not want to go home, I want to stay in new guy's arms. Am I with him for what?… Being able to be on my own, except for the income dependency. Which does not make much difference. Respect has always been there, but these last weeks of our relationship it has also began to vanish. I want a life with him, I’m just not sure if now is right. He can’t…He won’t wait. What am I thinking? What am I doing? I could ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. Or I could pass up the future bests in life.

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