FUCK

I recently got a new job in the desert and it is literally killing me. I can't find time to eat and I can't find to to be with my loved ones. By the time I get home, which is spans from 11:00pm to 3:00am, nothing is accomplished accept for an unrewarded paycheck. My assignments are late and most importantly my loved one. He gets to go out and shoot with girls while I'm working my ass off.

~Jealous...yes. All I get to see of him is his beautiful sleeping face. Then It's a kiss goodbye.

....WAIT! It gets better...

Cold and Lonely

Tequila is a deadly game. 


I haven't had shots of tequila in almost a year. The saying: one shot two shots three shots floor, has never pertained to me. I'd always laugh at that saying-until last night! 

I crashed in my brother's spare bedroom and was in and out with texts and empty phone calls. 

I tried communicating. I'm not at fault for 'cell' phone reception. But I am sorry.

Everyone I call does not seem to care about what is going on in my life!!!! 

...they answer their phones and then it's all about what they are doing. I can't take it anymore; I need someone there for me, I want someone to hold me...I'm tired of holding others.

I know it's my fault; I have been conditioned to be the person they call upon for- anything. 

I know this sounds selfish; but I've never had it.

...still makes me wonder... IS everything perfect!

"...things that made her feel real, black and white prints of photos from an exhibit in Pittsburgh."

"...one shot of the railroad... a train passing by-still made her smile."

"...even if she saw it through the lens, they never showed up on the film. Yet, she enjoyed the process of taking the photos enough that she was glad she'd tried the experiment." 
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.
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"Focus. Control."

I just recieved an awesome phone call!

My pics from two weeks ago are almost done! The negatives are all ready to be developed. All I can say is that I can't wait to work in the dark room again.  

This photographer is the only one I've modeled for that still works with film; and large format for that matter. I have only worked in a dark room twice so this should be fun! 

I can't wait till Sunday!!!

Solid Pro





I met with Tom from Solid Pro, and he is...

                                                                                                                                                                                                   

 A very professional photographer, that I have shot with  twice and in many different locations.

  He has a very unique quality; influenced by the beauty of Zen.  

I hope to work with him again!

On the bright side it's a perfectly sunny day. Finally we have met 80 degree weather!

Who wants to go nude tanning!? 

Excuse my negativity...

I'm not usually like this, but the past few days I've been in a hole.
I know I dug it; but I can't seem to get out.

Why can't I just have a normal relationship...

This PAST is driving me crazy~~!

My love (oh sorry, he's not a possession; just someone I see going home to every night)  is accomplishing a major goal in his life and I appreciate that. I've encouraged that...

I've tried to accept it...I'm trying to accept it...I need to learn to accept it.

But today i can't. I'M neglected for his past sex life. 



~J'taime

Is this really how marriage...feels!?












Try the ring on before you wear it.

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

This is what my last birthday consisted of: Love, Friends, and those who have been lost in the process of life.

"It's MY birthday!!!...I can do whatever I want."   ...

These emotions go through everyone, but who actually takes the time to take a second to thank those who gave them life.? 

What about the mother who carried you for 9 months and lived through hours of the delivering process..(why anyone wants to deliver a part of them in to this world , I still wonder) ...? 

What about your parents who put up with each other long enough to conceive you?

What about the father who gave you encouragement at every ballet practice and dance recital?

What about the parents who gave you a shelter, clothes, love, and support for all of your years?

What about your brother who took you outback, into 'your secret hiding fort', when your dad was assaulting your mom.

What about your sister who talked to you about your parent's affair,' rationally', because she had one of her
own?

What about finding the love of your life who understands what you have been through.

What about sharing the past and growing a healthy future together.

I'd like to thank all who have played a magnificent part in my life. It is who YOU are that has made me who I am today.

I LOVE YOU ALL!

That's the beauty in secrecy...




it doesn't exist.

"...and heart ships un-numbered..." 


U still HAVE to watch this movie, Snorkel. ...With me!

 This, what I felt would only be a near mind escape,  book about love lust and... lost (    ;)    ) has turned into reality!?... not exactly my reality, but reality unjust.