Credits: Rick Sprain

As the relationship between collaborators evolve the pictures evolve. We are finding that balance between what we are both wanting to accomplish.


Prime example of trust:

Credits: Rick Sprain

It is about having the ability to separate yourself from social norms. I make the unjustifiable- justified.  You must be aware of your surroundings in this field, yes. But you can't anticipate what might happen next. I lose touch with the pose; the form and the lens when my mind wanders to past experiences when shooting nudes in public places. 

We did have a minor threat by an authority figure; the park ranger. This broken home is located just minutes off of the park's camp sites. We passed through the barbed wire. After about twenty minutes of shooting: she drove past, stopped, got out of her truck and we "hid" inside... not many places to hide in a decaying building.

 
 








 A wrong turn ended up being so right. If I had never been to Jerome before I would have most likely scared myself to death... Oh, have I mentioned I hate driving!? At the same time a panic from loss of direction took place, the storm settled over me. The rain was pounding as rapidly onto my windshield as my heart in  my chest. I survived. Another day.

Credits: JamesDavid

The shoot was fantastic. I've never felt more alive on a shoot; everything went so smoothly from the drive out
there to the the cusp; the broken down home. There is a difference in the picture when you get to know who you are collaborating with on a human level. I'm not here to take off my clothes, get paid and drive away... wow, that sounds bad. I'm here to explore, learn and grow as a creative. I'm not an actor. I've never taken classes. What I do is separate thee from me. This particular shoot was filled with experience, strength and hope... What person is not striving for that believable hope?

Credits: JamesDavid

Credit: JamesDavid

I hit my bottom over a year ago. All of our bottoms look different; mostly ending in jail, institutions and even death. My story doesn't veer into those directions, but I was close-to all three. I  started the program of AA and found myself surrounded not by alcoholics but by drug addicts. I’m not discriminating… we all need some level of help. To separate us does not make sense on a financial level for these treatment centers… I've only met two other girls who were seeking help for alcoholism. So, I have heard the stories of drug addicts- not glorified; only mere experiences which are supposed to lead to strength and hope for one another. I've been told it’s most difficult to be an alcoholic because it’s everywhere, well drugs are too- if you want them to be!

The condemned stories  became extremely real last weekend. I picked her up from work and noticed a change. Her level of anticipation was extremely annoying. She couldn't hold a conversation; the past five minutes kept repeating themselves. I tried to rationalize my thoughts, I went straight to denial. She has so much to stay sober for. Maybe she’s excited about getting her license back, visiting her children in Connecticut  in a few weeks, getting off of probation… the list goes on.  Sunday night was worse. It seemed as though her lower jaw wished to escape from the structure of her mouth. Her hips swayed as if music were playing. She always had a tendency to move her wrists when she spoke… but she wasn't talking.

I went to bed. The next morning I found myself in a horror movie. I found her body tense; tongue and lips swollen. She moaned in agony- and I left her there. I talked to one of our friends-she came over and another followed. Her bedroom was dark and still until we woke the beast. She glared at the three of us hovering around her bed. Her eyes were solid black; full of rage. Then tears poured when she hung up the phone with  work.

Credits: JamesDavid

 Five different extreme emotions rolled into minutes which seemed as though hours had passed. All I wanted to do was get out. I had a shoot that day. First thought was to cancel so I called a friend. I knew he would tell me what I needed to hear. So I took his advise. I packed a bag and got out of self. I drove an hour to the shoot and turned all of my pain and confusion into art. I wanted so much to end up back home and that morning been a dream. But that is my reality. That is my friend lying helplessly, in her mind, on a bed full of needles.  All I can be is a sober option for her and to others wandering aimlessly through this part of their journey.

“…we have  allowed brain thinking to develop and dominate our lives out of all proportion  to “instinctual wisdom,” which we are allowing to slump into atrophy. As a consequence, we are war within ourselves- the brain desiring things which the body does not want, and the body desiring things which the brain does not allow; the brain giving directions which the body will not follow, and the body giving impulses which the brain cannot understand. ~ In one way or another civilized man agrees with St. Frances in thinking of the body as Brother Ass. But even theologians have recognized that the source of evil and stupidity lies not in the physical organism as a whole, but in the cut-off, dissociated brain which they term the “will”.”

~Watts.

Credits: JamesDavid

“Our very psychology has been shaken to it’s foundation… to grasp the meaning of the world today we use language created to express the world of yesterday. The life of the past seems to us nearer our true nature, but only for the reason that it is nearer our language.” ~Antoine de Saint Exupery

                                  If a piece of knotted string can unleash the wind and a drowned man can waken then I believe a broken man can heal.

Credits: Rick Sprain

My photo shoot with Rick Sprain... A few weeks ago? Time flies. 800 or so pictures I'm anxiously waiting to go through and we're already scheduling our next meet. When the weather seems to finally be cooling down, it heats right up. Throwing around sporadic  thunderstorms; I always seem to be fixed inside.

Credits: Rick Sprain

 I've finally downsized! In All most every aspect of my life… shoes, clothes, the abundance in room mates and the amount of food I have had to

keep in my refrigerator. The food thing was due to living in a house full of addicts who carried their thievery  aspect of “survival” with them into treatment. There was always something missing of mine: bananas, ice cream, salad dressing, tampons and peanut butter.   OMG! The peanut butter! I wasn't the only victim of peanut butter theft. Tubs upon tubs were stolen weekly. We could never figure out who or how these large amounts of peanut butter were disappearing.  Now I’m living in peace and tranquility. I actually enjoy coming home from work everyday! And the best part is shooting. Scheduling photo shoots whenever and where ever  I please and not having to tip toe around my modeling subject is just amiable. I finally have a sense of civilized freedom. I share an apartment with my friend Beany, who has shown great interest in modeling for me yet getting her out there is problematic. One day, some day.

Moving day was exciting. One of our more drastic days of monsoon season; streets flooded, power outages which all led to incompetent drivers. This experience has made me question whether or not to up my insurance policy! Three trips to Starbucks and Target we made our apartment semi livable.  Bottom line- our idea of  “standard of  living” is  too high!  Our list of  house hold items still to  buy is so large we decided to group it into categories because our income only excels to necessities. Another ‘one day, some day’ I’ll be living modestly yet comfortable!

~No more empty promises. No more solution to every problem. It is what it is... A fucking problem. I'm conditioned to accept and move forward... to what? The battle between the ideal of the heart and the reality of the heart. There is no heart- heart of hearts. 

 A feeling is only a feeling. My feelings are not fact, they don't make me who I am.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!  

          It is year number two... the 2nd year of his birthday celebrations with my absence. This time last year he was telling my mom I don't deserve him. He doesn't deserve to be treated like shit, and that he wanted my shit out of his place. We have done a complete 180 on the love addict Vs love avoidant spectrum this past year. It is rare to find absolute balance in any relationship but this relationship has been such a fucked up roller coaster- one which you would have to ask before boarding, "Is this ride really still operating!?"  

I have this vision in my mind from last December. Him packing up, driving out here, and settling with me in a little house... And the time is near yet those same feelings are pushed down by fear. 

In 2009 I made a decision. This decision did not play out the way it did in my mind. Instead of coping with my unhappiness rationally I turned to temporary comfort. One that led me further and further away from reality all together. I fucked my life and in return your's was squandered in the process. 

 I'm not angry. I'm still discontent with myself.

Credits: Solid Pro

This is how I feel right now.

 Exhausted. Drained. Darkness...

        My days are blending into one long endless story of repetition. The same road driven. The same song on the radio. The same meeting hall. The same faces... I'm ready for change. Change is what is going to keep me going, keep me motivated for further growth; expanding awareness. I'm feeling like stagnant water- in custody of yet another small mountain town. In some lighting it's beautiful alive and full of energy, but with that one hue of unlit color it becomes a pit of murky depression. Sad water that forever sits... and forever stops flowing.