Mmmm Hmmm~ Goodmorning.

Waking up to this is not a bad way to start your day!!! ...And thank you for the motivation to go for a run. 

So this could be my new back yard!? ... I'm fighting staying in Prescott over going back to Cali. I'm all up for suggestions. What I was doing before wasn't working. Now I'm working on me.

 I've been working on me and only me for the past five months and I've barely scratched the surface. I know what I want in life~ I know the self center egotistical Jess is still very much alive and breathing. And now I'm bringing to life the renovated Jess. The Jess my friends and family haven't seen in a decade... or for some have never even met. The feeling of getting comfortable with myself is nerve racking. I've spent the last half of my life hiding behind others. I've always been Chris' little sister or Sean's girlfriend or the famous for Idy, " Theresa's your mom!?". Growing up in a small town kind of does that to you or for you. Then those people faded away when I grew older and I did create a name for myself... And not one I'd like to keep. 

       I can't wait to get out there again... It's been too long. I was reunited with my lap top almost a month ago and had been in and out of checking my site on MM- always disappointed. Photographers from LA area were still contacting me for future plans from last summer... where were the creatives in AZ!? Then I noticed I hadn't changed my location on my profile. OH. whoops. Sorry friends. I spent two days messaging my Cali photographers: setting up shoots for this summer out there and apologizing for my negligence to the photographers who wanted to "shoot tomorrow" in the desert.

     So I updated my profile: First day. Two jobs. First shoot in AZ.  Saturday.

       One of a few of my works, with Dan Dozer, displayed in an art gallery  in Santa Monica last month. Being in Arizona kept me from going to the opening. The showing went over very well for the photographer. I can't wait to work with Dan again. 

*Being sober doesn't mean being invincible. I would like to think the days of stitches, bruises and black eyes are over, but that would have to entail my life being over~ which is just now beginning. The difference in my new injuries is the feelings behind them. There is a lack of regret, shame and humiliation when trying to explain the new bruise or having to defend my boyfriend, "He would never hit me!".
            It is now turned inward to feelings of practical fear~ how am I going to be able to do this or that at work? My new job doesn't entail washing dishes or anything of that sort but having to 'take it easy' for a pinkie wound is quite absurd.
              Freedom from self. Laughing at the new not so exciting stories as they were before; like this new addition to my collage of pain~ I was sweeping my front porch!

Three stitches... Removed tomorrow. 

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I pray that I may see signs of my growth in the new life.
*~~~`*`~~~`*`~~~`*`~~~`*`~~~`*`~~~`*`~~~*
I pray that I may always keep trying to grow.

Look familiar? 
                            Yes.
But it's in Arizona.  


    It is difficult to fathom living in a whole other state when the scenery is exactly like my old home in Cali. I've been living out here for almost five months now and I still feel like this isn't real life... When am I going to wake up? 
       ~Someone pinch me!?

 

So, this is my new home. For how long I'm not sure. I'm still shooting/modeling while I'm away from Cali.  I'm finding some amazing places to shoot outside of the Prescott area. There are some great places to shoot in Prescott, yet not much privacy. This one is taken in Sedona. This is the most beautiful place I've seen with my own eyes. Now it's not just a fantasy to visit through a magazine.  

My parents came out from California last month and we drove up to NAU. He wanted me to see the college he went to, the college my nephew is going to attend and his hope of me finishing my schooling here.  

It is  a beautiful campus. 

I miss Cali! 

219 large files to go through...

Pic credit: Andres Razo 
 



 Shoot with Andres a few weeks ago finally appeared... It took about three hours to down load. Completely worth it! shoot again?... Definitely a yes! These turned out amazing, I'm having trouble posting my favorites here and what to post on MM...

Most of all...

 I don't want to delete any of Sven Ellirand's photos... I'm in love with them all! ... It may just be time to upgrade my portfolio...

 

Pic credit: Andres Razo

 

My boss wants to fly from Idyllwild to La Jolla... Take me with you!

"You know what she said to me?...Even the most damaged hearts can be mended, I beg to disagree."

 

I finally had all my shit together...
                                                   and then I lost it. 

      More will be revealed. All will be revealed... all will always be revealed.  

Memories...
                   I don't want to look back at the past; the negative times in my life- sometimes I need to.  

Willingness, honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.