It has been too long; I haven’t written anything, except for a menu at my restaurant, in almost a year.

  I’ve loved, I’ve lost and I have found…

I originally fell in love with the sober me. But then it came to defining what is selfless and what is selfish.   Apparently I need a new dictionary.  I’ve tossed and turned, literally with this idea of my sobriety, but once a week tables turn without anyone’s fault but my own and I fall back into a temporary pit. The sad part is that I can call it only temporary and that I have to monitor it because if I don’t I’ll be in debt to my interlock company or to an Uber driver.
I knew it wasn’t going to be my one and only DUI. I not only lied to my family; I looked in the mirror, admitted to my own eyes I wasn’t done and refused to ask for help. The chaos, the corruption, the torture that I have caused others to bear and stand by me while trying to stay “awake”. … has led me to this: my story, my sequel.  If you have followed before then you will know what I’m talking about.
I was once finished with the first part of my story. I was moving on and  creating a new journey by moving out to Arizona. I had been given some great insight to where that part of my story could wrap up but with out an end. “ There can always be a sequel.”  This photographer gave me the confidence to keep going.
Well, I never ‘wrapped’ it up. I never had it officially published. But I will continue.

And He Has A Lot To Do With The Next Few Chapters!

 I Love You!

Thankfully, I've had time to do a lot of thinking... I never thought I'd have to think so much on one... ; on my love.  Therefore, I'm a little frustrated Today. I understand; Life is a different story. I have one that started in sadness and ended in sadness. Further in this journey I created a bright future for me; that even my family was excited about. I created a new start; that new beginning. I moved into a great house, a house I can call my home with two great guys. One; Alex. He is not what he is and he is what he's not. ...perfect. I could never ask for anything more.

"Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable."

~ Drucker


This is going to be a beautiful start to our new year.. (a little belated) :)

Credits: Bradie 

 Let's enjoy!!!!

This was by far one of my most cherished gifts this year, thank you Sven!

Best Christmas ever! ... He sent this to me when I was at work and I could not get out of there faster! :) 

Happy New Year! 

I had a very productive and fortunate past year.... I can't wait to see what 2015 will bring me.

I'm not "super imposed"! 

Credits: Sven Ellirand

I'm just super =)

Guess what I did last week...













A new adventure awaits us.

With Out Further Adieu...

~I present to you, the continued collaboration of Sven and Lavender. 

Credits: Sven Ellirand

          What makes our story beautiful is just that. It's a story that is ever changing with no sides to the spectrum of realism. Our rocky roller coaster  of a relation was tied to my negligence caused from my own insecurities on a level of powerlessness and non acceptance.

Today, we can accomplish what we accomplish without the suicidal tendencies that used to fall into place; for me that place occured daily.

Credits: Sven Ellirand

It's beautiful to see how far I have come in just one year.

Credits: Sven Ellirand

I've noticed a change in myself this past week; discontent and anxious with evasive thought patterns. Then I realized I haven't  been writing. There is a sense of release amongst my thoughts drawn out when my pen meets my paper. My days have been overly hectic with work and school assignments and meetings on top of meetings that i haven't been able to attend ( thats a whole other issue with my 'priorities' or neglect there of). So this morning I took a few hours just for me.

 I picked up If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him by Sheldon Kopp. There is so much to go over from the past few weeks but with the little free time I have today, I have to put this out here. I laughed out loud...

           "An old Hebrew tradition holds that this first creation included a female called Lillith. She was the very first defender of the cause of women's liberation. When Adam told Lillith that she was to obey his wishes, she replied: "We are equal; we are made of the same earth." So saying she flew up into the air and transformed herself into a demon who ate children. Even that early, women who would not subjugate themselves to the will of men were seen as witches."

Credits: JamesDavid

"For the love that expresses itself in creative action is something which you can "feel" and "know," remember and define. Love is the organizing and unifying principle which make the world a universe and the disintegrated mass a community. It is the very essence and character of mind, and becomes manifest in action when the mind is whole."

There is no problem of how to love. We love. We are love, and the only problem is the direction of love, whether it is to go straight out like sunlight, or to try to turn back on itself like a "candle under a bushel."

Everyone has love, but it can only come out when he is convinced of the impossibility and the frustration of trying to love himself. This conviction will not come through condemnations, through hating oneself, through calling self-love all the bad names in the universe. It comes only in the awareness that one has no self to love." ~Watts

So many...So soon. When I least expect, the more I receive.

Credits: JamesDavid

                                        I would call this one of his many action shots turned pose. I love it.

Credits: JamesDavid

I doubled booked yesterday. I can feel it today. I shot with
JamesDavid yesterday morning at Dry Beaver Creek where the Mosquitos never sleep. I have a few bites, but not nearly as many as my last shoot with rick Sprain, a couple of weeks ago, near Perkinsville. After climbing rocks and trees and mounds of asphalt, and lying in fields of flowers (mostly poisonous by consumption), smothering myself in mud and slithering around 'like a snake' and then rolling in gravelish sand to make what we now call 'the cookie', and twirling endlessly in about a foot of murky water... we got these:

Credits: JamesDavid

Credits: JamesDavid

And then it was of to my socially acceptable day job. The Black Canyon housed only about 200 people last night; three servers and two cooks, I think we did a pretty decent job. I believe there is always room for improvement and of course our clientele love to give suggestions as if the are part ownership. *cough. Anyways, my mom always told me to mark an x over my mosquito bites with my finger nail to stop the itch... well, last night it was so bad I just sliced right through one that was on my elbow. No!... Not on purpose. I was taking out the trash; threw it over the dumpster and someone had thrown a broken Stella Artois  glass into the mix, slicing my elbow ironically straight across the biggest mosquito bite I've ever experienced. At least now it doesnt itch! ;)

Credits: JamesDavid

"...the physical reality is that my body exists only in relation to this universe, and in fact I am as attached to it and dependent on it as a leaf on a tree. I feel cut off only because I am split within myself, because I try to be divided from my own feelings and sensations. What I feel and sense therefore seems foreign to me. And on being aware of the unreality of this division, the universe does not seem foreign any more." ~Watts

Credits: JamesDavid