~No more empty promises. No more solution to every problem. It is what it is... A fucking problem. I'm conditioned to accept and move forward... to what? The battle between the ideal of the heart and the reality of the heart. There is no heart- heart of hearts. 

 A feeling is only a feeling. My feelings are not fact, they don't make me who I am.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!  

          It is year number two... the 2nd year of his birthday celebrations with my absence. This time last year he was telling my mom I don't deserve him. He doesn't deserve to be treated like shit, and that he wanted my shit out of his place. We have done a complete 180 on the love addict Vs love avoidant spectrum this past year. It is rare to find absolute balance in any relationship but this relationship has been such a fucked up roller coaster- one which you would have to ask before boarding, "Is this ride really still operating!?"  

I have this vision in my mind from last December. Him packing up, driving out here, and settling with me in a little house... And the time is near yet those same feelings are pushed down by fear. 

In 2009 I made a decision. This decision did not play out the way it did in my mind. Instead of coping with my unhappiness rationally I turned to temporary comfort. One that led me further and further away from reality all together. I fucked my life and in return your's was squandered in the process. 

 I'm not angry. I'm still discontent with myself.

Credits: Solid Pro

This is how I feel right now.

 Exhausted. Drained. Darkness...

        My days are blending into one long endless story of repetition. The same road driven. The same song on the radio. The same meeting hall. The same faces... I'm ready for change. Change is what is going to keep me going, keep me motivated for further growth; expanding awareness. I'm feeling like stagnant water- in custody of yet another small mountain town. In some lighting it's beautiful alive and full of energy, but with that one hue of unlit color it becomes a pit of murky depression. Sad water that forever sits... and forever stops flowing.  

Credits: Sven Ellirand

                                                                                   We are getting our "brightest" full moon of the year. Tomorrow night I will attempt long exposure shots with out him... This just keeps getting more depressing. I miss Cali. I miss Joshua Tree.                           

           

       

               I miss our adventures. 

Still free to shoot this Sunday. Half off rate... TFP? ... I need to scout locations.

 http://mindaswater.com                             *Free and Optimistic

This is how I wish I felt, right now. I finally have a Sunday free and ready to shoot. I'm planning a shoot with Barr Images...He said the 15th. ...July 15th. Ooops. I'll make that date work too...Somehow! 

                                                                  And I almost forgot... the beautiful Chinese poetry. 

Credits: Neil Cowley

Bottom line, Cowley is a creative, clever, 'down to earth' and patient photographer.                                                                         I can't wait to do another project with this one. 

 http://mindaswater.com

A little lighting, backdrop and a snazzy shower nozzle went a long way...

Before I left...

 http://mindaswater.com

I met with Neil two weeks ago.

Credits: Neil Cowley

          He sent me this: to bring environmental awareness around world water issues.  This art project is a series of portraits in water with a disarming beauty and directness referencing our reliance on the element. Stripped of makeup and accouterment the subject is left to portray their spiritual strength.    

Of course I couldn't turn this down. 

Credits: Sven Ellirand

   To all of my dear future collaborators: I'll be in Cali this week. I'll be back in Arizona around the 2nd.

~ We will start setting up shoots then.

Credits: Sven Ellirand

“If you can be, be. If not, cheer up and go on about other people’s business, doing and undoing unto others till you drop.” ~ e.e. cumings 

http://facebook.com/mindaswater 

Wednesday- photoshoot~ This should be something new and excitingly different.
                                                                      https://vimeo.com/62498588

I have seven months of sobriety… This month could be a year celebration. But it’s not. I chose to take that drink last summer and I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.  I don't like to put blame on others for this disease. That would be like moving to LA and chain smoking and blaming God for the gift of cancer. You can chose to play the victim role or you can chose to accept and acknowledge  and… fix it ~That’s the path I have chosen. I’m the problem, not alcohol. I need to fix me. Simple.

Credits: Sven Ellirand